Maelin's First Day of Daycare

So, it's here. School is starting in about a week and Maelin and I both need to get used to getting up earlier, packing our stuff for the day and spending it apart. In order to make this a bit easier (although, I don't think anything about this is easy) I decided to take Maelin to Sandra's house a few days before the first day of school. We visited together yesterday and everything was fantastic. Sandra loves Maelin: immediately picked her up and started laughing and talking with her. Maelin was all smiles: she thinks Sandra is pretty special already.

I dropped her off around 10am and Sandra came right up and grabbed Maelin and started laughing with her and making her smile. It seemed like everything was going to be okay and I was late for my pre-school meeting, so I decided to leave. As I was walking down the stairs, I looked back and Maelin was just staring at me. I'm sure she was fine, but it seemed to me like she was saying to me, "Mommy, you're leaving? You're really leaving me here?"

I got in the car and cried for about 10 minutes and then went to my meeting. It was nice talking about school stuff and not focusing solely on the baby for a while, but I missed her terribly. I kept thinking about what she was doing at that moment: was she crying for me? Was she upset because she was in a strange place with strange people? Did she just want to be at home? Was she wondering where I was and why I wasn't around? I couldn't really concentrate on my meeting, so I cut out early. I ran to the teacher-supply store and then bolted to pick up my baby.

I didn't knock this time...I walked right in. I went upstairs (Sandra's house is a split-level: when you walk in, you either go upstairs or downstairs right away) and I didn't see Sandra or Maelin. Sandra's kids were sitting at the table doing homework so I visited with them for a minute and then Sandra came upstairs. Apparantly, she had been down in the bedrooms. She motioned for me to follow her, so I did. I went into Sandra's bedroom and on the middle of the bed, fast asleep, holding her blankie, was my little girl. She was fast asleep. She looked so peaceful and calm. I immediately felt better about leaving her.

Sandra called her daughter over who is in 4th grade to help translate and we talked about the day. Maelin did really well: she didn't cry at all. She got a bit fussy when she was tired, but Sandra was able to calm her down and help her get to sleep. She really liked being outside with the other kids: she looked all around and was really busy watching everything that was going on. She had a good day.

So we left Sandra's. We went home and Maelin was in a great mood and then fell asleep. I guess she was worn out by all the excitement because she took a great nap. I couldn't help but notice that my baby smelled different: not bad, kind of like a perfume. I guess it's a good sign that she's being held a lot, but I wanted her to smell like my baby: not a strange perfume. So I gave her a bath. Then she was mine again.

We are so lucky to have found someone who clearly loves Maelin already and is so loving, close to work, reliable, flexible and cheap. (she's at least 1/2 the amount other people pay for daycare) I know this, but I hate it. I don't want to leave my baby with someone else. I want to be with her while she needs me. Before long, she's going to be growing up and she won't need me as much. I took some time last night and had a good cry about it. I'm going to miss her so much...she'll be just fine, but I'll be a wreck. I can only hope it gets better and Maelin will be okay. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.