I've been confronted with this question quite a bit lately. It seems many couples are happy and then they have a few kids. Before you know it, they're bickering all the time (or they hide it and and they seem perfect in public), and then one of them has an affair or they just split up because "mommy and daddy don't love each other any more."
I know you all know couples that this has happened too: it seems it's more the norm lately. I wonder what happens. Is it that the years of sleep deprivation finally takes its toll and turns each person into a shouting ogre? Or is it that each person feels that their partner doesn't understand what they go through every day? Or does each partner feel that they have it worse? Maybe the sexual attraction fades after you've seen a few little people come out of your partner? Or is it that the kids suck every bit of decorum out of you so it's more okay to shout mean things at your partner: something you'd NEVER do to a stranger? Maybe it's a bit of all of that.
It seems common knowledge that marriage satisfaction can take a plunge after the kids arrive. Now that I've got Miss Maelin, I wonder what Kevin and I can do to ensure that our satisfaction stays the same; or at the very least, doesn't plummet. Maybe it's just making the time to talk about our true feelings about how our lives are going every day. We try to do this: after Miss MaeMae has gone to bed, we usually turn off the TV and just chat for about 10 minutes. He's able to express his work frustrations and I have free reign to tell him about my day...the good and the bad. I know it's much more effective for us to talk about the issues before they become huge problems and we're yelling at each other.
However, this certainly doesn't stop us from snipping at each other. Sleep deprivation can be a nasty thing. We've had our share of late-night yelling at each other...I wonder if that will eventually turn us into a statistic? I hope not.
If you're interested, here is a link to a "Test Your Marriage Satisfaction" quiz. Maybe if we all spent more time working on our marriages and less time watching "So You Think You Can Dance" or working late or hanging out with the attractive person from the office, our kids wouldn't ruin so many marriages. Or maybe that's a simplistic attitude...I hope not.
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3 comments:
This is a good question...I don't think they "ruin" marriage, I think they change it and challenge it. it is up to the couple on how they choose to handle the change and challenge. And don't blame "So you Think you can dance"--We love that show and talk all the way through it :)
--Kate
I don't think it is so much people not talking to each other- but children, especially young ones, suck up all your time and energy. If you work outside the home, you have even less time.
With each child, you have even less and less "Me" time, and less "couple" time. It is hard to have a conversation like you used to, before having kids. Even if you do turn off the TV, there is less time to get things done, and after going all day, both people are tired and the conversation level & depth isn't what it used to be, before kids.
I think kids do "ruin" marriage to the degree that you can't have the level of a relationship like you used to, unless you are very wealthy and can afford to hire someone for several hours a week to either get your stuff done, or watch the kids, so you can go out. But then you feel guilty you are leaving your kids with other people.
However, people who don't have kids get divorced too, so it isn't just the kids. I think it is the level of work both people are willing to put into the relationship that in the end will decide if you make it or not. You reap what you sow- if you never, never, work on your relationship, it probably won't survive. If you do work on it, and try to make time for the two of you, there are still no guarantees, but it can help.
I guess there isn't a "standard" answer for everyone. For one couple, turning off the TV for 10 minutes and talking even if it is about the weather, could do the trick. For another couple, that may not be enough- they might have to have a "date" night every week, w/o fail to connect.
That is the challange in trying to find a balance between everything we have to juggle and also finding what the winning combination is to keeping your marriage happy, healthy, & thriving.
No "good" parents will ever admit that they "made a mistake" in having their kid. Society lies people... don't believe the hype!
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