It's over. My time at home with my baby is officially over. School starts for teachers tomorrow at 8:15am. I'm going to wake up around 6 and take a shower and then get baby up (she's not going to like that...she usually sleeps till about 8) and feed her and we're going to try to leave the house by 7am. We'll go to daycare and then I'll leave her there and go to work. She'll stay there all day until I get her around 4:30pm. We'll fight traffic to get home and then we'll get dinner ready, wash the pumping stuff, clean up a bit and try to spend some time together before she goes to bed around 8:30 to get ready to do it all over again.
All the teachers tell me that we're so busy during the day that you don't have a chance to be sad. Other people tell me that it will be really good for Maelin to be around other kids, to learn Spanish, to learn there's other people she can love and trust besides Mommy. I know all of this: I even totally agree with it. I just can't believe how incredibly sad I am. I feel like I'm losing my little baby.
She's growing up so fast. I've had 4 1/2 amazing months at home with her which is a good long time. I know how lucky I am that I was able to have that long at home (and have it paid time, no less!) and I loved it. If you had told me a year ago or even 4 1/2 months ago that I would be so desperately sad about leaving Maelin, I would have said you're crazy. I really like my job: I like feeling useful and using my education and helping kids and being part of something so important. Being a teacher is a big part of who I am. But maybe who I am has changed...
I think a big reason that I'm so sad is because she's getting big so quickly. Every day she can do something new. Yesterday she was able to sit up by herself for about 15 seconds; tonight, she was able to hold her bottle all by herself. I'm going to be gone from her for about 2/3 of her life for the next 9 months. How many little events am I going to miss?
I know everyone talks about "ATTO" or "All That Time Off" that teachers get. I'll write a separate post about that another time, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now. When I finally get to spend full days with my baby again, she'll be 14 months old. She'll be crawling, about ready to walk, trying to talk and she'll be a completely different baby than she is now and I'll have missed 2/3 of it.
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I never knew how much Mommies love their babies till now. It's an all-consuming love that is so pure. I didn't get it: even when I was pregnant, I didn't get it. I have to hold myself back now from screaming that I don't want to teach, I don't care about our bills, we can sell our house, sell our cars, anything except making me leave my little girl with someone else all day long. My heart hurts so much right now and I just want to stay awake all night with my baby in my arms and never, ever let her go.
2 comments:
Oh, this is SO sad...again, I totally feel for you- I could barely do it P/T...leaving baby with dad.
For me, it did get easier every day- I know that doesn't help though, and honestly probably nothing will- you know rationally all the positives, but I know that doesn't help your heart.
Remember that you aren't in jail- I know you have bills, but maybe just maybe if you do find that teaching right now isn't working, maybe you can look at other options. I have read incredible stories about how mommy's who have wanted to stay home have made it happen.
There could be other options for work down the road- maybe working at night teaching somewhere, so at least Kevin could be w/ M. You have always had a talent for making things happen, and if you find you don't like your circumstances, I know you have the power to change it.
One of my friend's tells me to put what I want out there, and it will come back to me. The few times I have tried it, it has work, so put what you want out there.
Meanwhile, I'll be thinking about you- do what you need to do to get through the day, and know you will be with M. in the afternoons, evenings, weekends, holidays, and ATTO teachers get :-) , which is nice- a lot of jobs DON'T have that, which can be just little extra gifts for you to be with M. I used to look at the calendar to see how many days I had to "get through" before my next full day at home- you just have two for now- maybe try looking at it more short-term instead of long term (9 months until you'll be home again, etc.)
You just have to work 2 days, and then you'll have M. again for 2 days! Not bad. :-) HUGS!!!
Oh honey, my heart hurts for you! I wish I had something brilliant to say that would make you feel better, but the truth is I just don't know what to say. I can only imagine how you're feeling. Just know I'm thinking about you and hoping that each day gets a little easier.
Some un-asked for advice... think about what Heather said in her comment. You do have options!! It would take some time to get it together but Heather makes several great points. Maybe we can come up with something genius to do together that'll make us a bunch of money and still have lots of time for our babies!! It's a thought...
Hang in there!! Much love to you all!
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