Those of you who used to hang out w/ me (ie...before Maelin) probably have gotten to know my good friend Dan. He's such a cool guy: he's the child psychologist at the school I work at and we've been instant friends since we went through new teacher training together 4 years ago when we started at our building.
I chatted with him for a bit today and we had a really interesting talk. I've been too overwhelmed to visit with him much this year and he's so easy to talk to (hence the child psychologist part....) so it wasn't long before he got me teary-eyed.
The fact is...I'm just not happy this year. I don't want to be working: I want to be with Maelin while she's still young and needs me. Kids grow up so fast: no one knows that better than I do because I see every day how quickly these kids become independent and start growing into their own little persons. It happens in the blink of an eye and I'm missing it.
I had no idea how much I would love being a mom. I adore Maelin and I count every single second I have with her as such a blessing. She's the most perfect and precious thing I have ever had the privilege of being around...and she belongs to Kevin and I...I can't get over how lucky I am to be her mom.
Dan told me today..."It's too bad you had to spend so much money and time in college and in training only to discover you wanted to be a mom...it's too bad you didn't get knocked up when you were 16: you could have saved yourself a lot of time!" He makes me laugh through my tears.
I'm not sure yet what the answer is...all I know now is that I'm depressed and sad most of the time: when I'm at work and then when I get home because I know my time with Maelin is so limited. I'm thinking of all sorts of alternatives: I've even contemplated working at Starbucks in order to get the health insurance. If you have any ideas, feel free to send them my way. Kat suggested Prozac: I'm even giving that a thought.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry you are having a rough time.
First thought, do go see your Dr. for post-partum depression. Do you know it can hit you up to about 18 months post partum? All your hormones are still leveling out, and since you are nursing, there are extra hormones in there too. Don't put it off, because ther are things they can do, drugs don't even have to be one of them.
Increase your B vitamins. Start taking at least 50mg of B vitamins a day. Also, my Dr. told me to take flax seed oil. Two tablespoons twice a day to start. He told me nursing mothers lose a lot more of the good Omega fats in their milk that balance out yoru brain- it goes to your baby, which is great for baby, but not so great for you. Vanessa did research for me when I was suffering from PPD, & she found the same thing out, and all the experts agreed that flax seed oil was the best to replace the Omegas. Get an organic pure one. It tastes a bit odd at first, but stir it in a glass of milk or juice and you won't even know it is there. Once you start to feel better, you can reduce it down to 1 Tb. a day, and then a few times a week. Vitamin Cottage has a good one I use & it is like $7 for a bottle that lasts for a few months.
But, that was stuff I did AFTER my Dr. told me to do it. I think it is important to be checked out, b/c everyone is different.
Also I will tell you this from my persepective- staying home is HARD. It is the same thing day, after day, after day. You do get to be with your baby, but sometimes it is the hardest thing ever. I think the difference in why I decided I WANTED to go back to work P/T and you, is I remembered what working was like. I remembered how I felt when I was there, etc. You have never had the FT, stay-at-home mom thing. Is it possible that you could be "glamorizing" it some? You can't have it, so naturally you want it. How can you be so sure that you would love being at home full time? How do you know you wouldn't become bored? How would you know you wouldn't become tremendously stressed about money?
Dan's words are nice, but who really knows how motherhood will affect them? Yes, you could have not gone to school only to find out you hated being home all day. What if you had a screaming, high needs baby that you couldn't wait to get away from when you went to work? You might feel differently. Maelin is such a good baby, and Ryan was too, and then I hqe Cole. Not to say I don't love him, and he is a good baby in his way, but he is also draining. That is just what high needs babies do- they DEMAND attention! No way did I want to go back to work when I just had Ryan, but now the break I get from Cole is the balance I need to keep being a good mom.
You can't plan how being a mother will change you. All you can do is do the best you can, roll with what it deals you, and adjust how and when you can.
I don't know what the answer is for you- it isn't easy. Becoming a mother changes your soul. You have to find that very slim line to walk on finding what makes you happy, but what is also good for your family. Remember, you have only been doing this for 6 months, and back to work for 3. You don't have to have all the answers now. Heck, I'm still adjusting, and I am almost 4 years into it!
If you can't stand working, stick it out this year, take a year off, working P/T at Starbucks :-) (just an example,) and see how it goes.
Knowing you your entire life, I do know that you will regret it if you don't try. But if it is better for your family to keep working FT, then you have to accept that, and know that you are doing what is best for them.
I think that is the huge change you discover at some point. Life as a mother, isn't just about you anymore. You give up things in order for your children and family to be happy, and in turn, even though you don't think it possible, it does make you happy, and you find your happiness in those decisions that you made.
Let me know when you go to the Dr. ,and what they say. :-)
Thanks Heather...I sent you an email reply because it wouldn't let me cut and paste...
I'm going to look into the Dr. I think I might have a touch of PPD...coupled with complete exhaustion. I'll keep you posted how it goes.
Hope you find some peace soon. :) It is such an individual decision. Listen to your gut feelings... chatting and sharing is always helpful, I think. We all feel alone when we really aren't... ((HUGS)) I can tell you that there are solutions to staying at home and working. Most people don't take you seriously when you work from home, but it has been a true blessing and I am grateful that I found a way to make it work. You will, too. Give yourself some time and a break. You are taking a lot on, girl! :) Love ya.
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