When is Enough...Enough?

Confusing title, I know. But hear me out...

I have a hard time knowing when enough is enough. My friends will tell you that they have had to resort to kicking me or giving me a swift hit when I'm talking about something that I'm passionate about but it's either not the time or the place to mention it.

I try really hard. I do. However...

When something is going on that I know as a professional, a mom or just a good human being isn't right, I have a really hard time staying quiet about it if I feel there's a chance I can control the outcome. I've been thinking about why this is...why do I have such a need to help the underdog, save the world, make a difference, not just be quiet when it's politically correct to do so, not play the game, etc.? I think it's because no one did it for me when I was young.

We grew up in a very loving family but like all families, we had our problems. Many of our friends and other family members knew what was going on but NO ONE said anything to help us out. No one did anything to help. As children, my brother, sisters and I were left on our own to forge some sort of normalcy and routine to our dysfunctional existence. I remember feeling alone. I remember feeling abandoned. I remember wondering why this was up to us to fix when there were so many grownups around who knew what was happening but no one seemed to care enough to step in and do anything to help us.

So now I've got a bee in my bonnet. When I feel that is happening to another child (it's usually a kid but my siblings and I have been known to have an unnatural reaction to animals in trouble as well), I have a very hard time staying quiet about it. I do not want to be the adult that a child depended on and I was too busy or didn't want to get involved or thought it wasn't any of my business to help them out. So sometimes I get too noisy about what I think is right for the kid. I also get too noisy to the wrong people.

So when is enough...enough? When do I take a step back and ask myself if saving these kids from (what's screaming at my professional self) a bad education or an unfair situation that I may or may not have the power to do something about? Is it worth putting my job at risk? Is it worth losing money over? Is it worth my personal sanity? Is it worth my sleep at night? My mental health? These are questions that I know the answers to but are pretty scary to admit.

So I'm trying hard to remember that I can't save the world. I can't save every child from a bad home life. I can't make every kid in my class have the education that I think they deserve because I'm fighting their own demons, the restrictions and expectations of the school district and a million other factors. However...

I can be their voice. I can be the voice that no one ever was for my siblings and I. Maybe when one child grows up, they will be able to look back and say that not every adult in their life was quiet. Maybe they'll remember someone talking for them and trying to help. Maybe they'll feel less alone, less abandoned.

So that would be enough.

They Grow Up So Fast...

Sigh. Big sigh. I'm still trying to adjust to the beginning of this school year so I haven't had much time to blog lately. It seems like I'm always 2-3 days behind at work. With 28 kiddos, I'm constantly trying to keep with with grading, lesson plans, recording and gathering data, and hundreds of other tasks that keep me in motion from the minute I step foot into school till the second I leave.

One of the blessings of being that busy at work is I rarely have time to think too much about Maelin and how much I'm missing her while I'm gone. She's been having a great time at daycare: she has a few new friends there now. Baby Carson is the 8 month old son of a colleague at work and there are other random little people that come and go that Maelin totally adores.

I pulled out the video camera tonight to capture some of Maelin's antics while we were playing. It hit me just what a big girl she is. She isn't a baby any longer. She's totally potty-trained now. We were able to do that about a month ago and it took her a total of 4 days to get it...with only 1 accident. She's pretty consistent now and only has an accident once a week or so. She knows how to spell her name. She can sing all of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "ABC's", "When You Wish Upon a Star", amongst other songs. She can do a very wobbly somersault. She told me yesterday that she wanted a "Baby Carson at Mae-Mae's house." (hmmmmmm...to that one). She's learning how to write her name and she recognizes it when she sees it in print. She was eating and LOVING hot sauce with her chips at the Mexican restaurant the other night. She has her favorite books memorized, can count to 50, paints pictures, knows all the sounds the letters make...I could go on and on.

Our little girl (I have to accept the fact that I no longer have a baby girl) is almost 2 1/2 years old already. How did that happen? She's so big and wonderful and is the absolute light of my life. She has gotten big so quickly and although I'm loving every single minute with her, I'm also trying to be as present as possible during it because of how very fast this is flying by.

Our little one is growing so fast...blink and you miss it.

Wordless Wednesday Picture

I'm at Parent-Teacher Conferences right now and have exactly 8 minutes before my next one so I thought I'd put a picture of Maelin with her Daddy up. We went to Tiny Town last weekend (the 4th time for us, the 1st time for Daddy...) and Mae had a blast riding the train, running around the buildings, and just being outside and allowed to scream as much as she wants.

And oh, the popcorn was nice too. :-)

So here's a picture of Maelin on the train with Daddy. I think he had as much fun as she did...

Why I'm Still Teaching...

This has been a really rough year so far. I haven't been posting much because I haven't wanted to complain. Also, I'm totally exhausted after spending all day with 29 kiddos and then coming home and being "Mama" to a pretty demanding 2 year old.

This year has tested pretty much every ideal about teaching that I have. I've had to question whether or not I want to stay in my district because of the direction they are going, if I feel I can still be successful in spite of the huge class size I'm facing, if I think Maelin is still thriving in daycare, and tons of other reasons that have exhausted me every day this year but have nothing to do with this current post.

I went into the office today to complain about one of my behavior problem kids. This kid is going to test every iota of patience and knowledge that I have this year. He was born addicted to meth and there's just not a lot of research out there to help us fully address all his needs. Add that to the fact that our special ed team is basically non-existent this year and I'm on my own with him. Add 28 other kiddos to that mix and you have a disaster waiting to happen.

Anyway, I was in a very bad mood and I happened to check my mailbox. There was a photocopy of a writing assignment inside. Obviously, another teacher had assigned a writing assignment and had copied the result and placed it in my box. (mental note: thank her tomorrow). This is what I read:

"Special People: Mrs. Corzine
Mrs. Corzine has always been there for me. When I went through good times and bad times. When I have a problem she's the one that's always there to help me solve them. She was my brothers teacher and also mine. She was my second grade teacher. She's the nicest teacher I've had. I love her. I go visit her in the morning to help her around. I just wish she was still my teacher. Plus I never leave without giving her a hug. My mom and me always bake her a cake for her birthday because it's on Valentines Day. Mrs. Corzine will always and forever be my favorite teacher."

by Litzy

This is from a 4th grader. I had her 2 years ago and I had her brother 4 years ago. Of course I remember her and love her (as I do almost all my old students) but I NEVER thought I'd affected her this much.

Teaching is a thankless profession. We go to work every day, pay our student loans, accept the criticisms of society on everything we do wrong and are still expected to do it perfectly every day. Well, we're not perfect. We stumble, we fall, we yell. We are ashamed of the times we lose our cool and proud of the times we actually were able to get through to a student. However, most of the time, we're not sure anything we ever say makes a difference.

Today was a day that I felt what I do every day actually matters. I feel like this little girl will grow into the person she's meant to be partly because of me. I feel like some of values and love I gave her every day actually stuck. She'll remember me as she grows and hopefully (crossing fingers here) will beat the odds of poverty and immigration and she'll come back to visit me in 15 years as the first Mexican Female Senator of Colorado. Or a Civil Rights Lawyer. Or a doctor.

Or a teacher.

I can dream. That's why I'm still teaching. For this dream. A little bit of it was realized today.

Wordless Tuesday Picture

Our little goof cracking herself up over her "toots" in the tub...silly little thing.

Very Hard Start to School

My positive attitude about school is still here...but I'm finding it harder and harder to keep it. My class is actually great this year. I have a crazy mix of kiddos who can't even recognize the letters in their own name, to kids who are reading at a 4th grade level. I have kiddos who don't speak any English, to kids who are identified Gifted and Talented. I have a kid who was born addicted to meth and therefore incredibly mentally impaired, to a kid who is probably the smartest 2nd grader I've ever seen.

Should make for an interesting school year...

Yesterday was rough. I have 29 kids this year and that's a crazy amount for a primary classroom. Research shows that 18 is the optimal number for kids who are still learning how to read and write. Our curriculum is late arriving this year so we don't have enough books or materials. My computers are all broken and no one seems to know when someone will be in to fix them so I can't set up my technology for the kids to use. I'm going to a training next week (which is insane that they scheduled it for us) so I have to create 3 days of sub plans and hope that the kids haven't lost all the rules when I get back.

And...

My car was spray-painted in the parking lot yesterday. We left around 12 to go get lunch (we didn't have kids yesterday...all the kids in the district were off), and I walked by my car to get into my friend's car. When we got back around 12:45, this is what I saw:

I was shocked. Speechless. WHO would do that? We called the cops and they think that some punk kid (probably a middle-schooler as it's right across the street) started to tag my car with something awful and was scared away. I'm lucky it isn't worse. However, we don't have the $250 to fix it so I'm thinking about just going to Hobby Lobby and buying some red paint and touching it up myself. What do you think about that??? :-)

We're off to go camping this weekend with my family to get away for a bit. I'm excited: Maelin LOVES the mountains and we haven't been able to get up there as much as I would like. She'll be able to play with her cousins and Uncle and Auntie and have a great time...and I'll get to sit and watch the river and the campfire and try to forget (if even for a night) about the paint and the challenges that await me.

...and the painting I need to do.

Oh School...

I've been back for two days now and I'm happy to report that I'm doing pretty well! Yes, the heat was on till this morning, making yesterday absolutely unbearable. Yes, I have 29 students registered right now...could drop OR could go higher. Yes, I don't have enough desks or chairs. Yes, we don't have enough reading materials for all these kiddos so they're going to have to share. Yes, none of my computers are still loaded with all the programs I used last year so I'm going to have to spend hours reloading them, and yes, my room is so crowded (even without the new desks), it's really hard to even move around.

However...

My team is working really well together this year. Not sure what the difference is: maybe we finally realized how important it is to help each other out, instead of isolating ourselves. Anyway, we've split up a lot of the work this fall making an easier ride for all of us. It's really nice.

Another nice change is how clean my room was when I came back. This is the first year in 6 years that I didn't have to spend 2 full days just unpacking, cleaning, organizing, moving furniture, etc. There were a couple bulletin boards I had to create, a few posters to draw and a couple boxes to unpack and that's it! Instead of doing manual labor, I was able to sit and create a few behavior plans and start creating lessons...which is what a classroom teacher SHOULD be spending the first few days of school doing!

We have all day Wednesday in our classrooms and we have a bunch of meetings scheduled and then 1/3 of the kids come on Thurs, 1/3 on Friday, and 1/3 on Monday. Then the first "Full" day of school is Tuesday. We spend Th, F and M doing assessments and tests to see where the kiddos are at. I'll be getting quite a few who speak no English at all, so that will be interesting. I'm curious to see how this bunch of kiddos compare to previous years...

Oh, and by the way: Maelin is doing great at Sandra's house. We have a new baby over there: Baby Carson, the 8 month old son of a friend of mine. She LOVES playing with him...when she's not outside playing in the dirt. Today when I picked her up, Mae was playing in the dirt in the front yard and was filthy. She was using a beer cap to scoop dirt onto a toy car. Completely absorbed and could have cared less I was there. Makes me happy she has such a fun time while I'm working...

Thanks for all the phone calls and emails: Mae and I are going fine!

Back to School...Already?!?

Sigh...those of you who have been following this blog for a while are probably tired of these posts. "Oh yay, here's Mara crying about having to leave Maelin while she goes back to work. She's lucky she gets so much time off at all, blah, blah."

I know, I know.

I'm determined to make this year different. Maelin is thriving in daycare, Kevin and I made a plan for him to help out around the house more this year, I've been working on some work things that might make the start of the year a bit easier and as long as the HEAT is turned off in my classroom (oh yes...it's 94 degrees out right now and on Friday, the heat was on in my room and no one knew when it would be turned off), I'm getting excited about the new school year!

Yes, I'm going to have more students this year than ever before. There aren't even enough desks in the building for all of them. Yes, we got rid of the bilingual program so lots of our kiddos aren't going to speak any English. Yes, our CSAP scores are wayyyyyyy down this year and that creates a lot of pressure for all of us to get our kids to proficiency. Yes, we aren't getting a raise this year due to budget cuts. Yes, we lost quite a few of our finest teachers last year to other districts, and yes, this is one of the hardest jobs anyone will ever do.

However...I'm optimistic. I've received personal emails from some of my students this summer asking how I'm doing, how is Maelin, they miss me, they can't wait to come back, etc. That wouldn't be happening if I wasn't touching them in some way...affecting their lives positively in some aspect.

As long as I can continue to do that (even on a small scale), and Maelin continues to love learning Spanish and loving playing in the dirt at Sandra's house...

We're ready to go back to school.

Gulp!

Maelin and "Bang-Bang"

No, it's not a toy. Bang-Bang is what Maelin calls my dad. Sometimes she calls him "Papa Dan" which is what her older cousins have always called him and he answers to just about anything.

Maelin loves her Bang-Bang. Here's a few pics of Mae and her Grandpa just enjoying a summer evening.

Wordless Monday Picture

As I'm heading back to school in less than a week (sob!), I'm not blogging too much right now. However, my travels are never far from my mind and especially now when faced with the daunting idea of a new school year.

Love this picture because Paris is one of my favorite cities in all of the world. This shot was taken in the early morning hours in Montmartre: arguably the best neighborhood in Paris. They were getting ready for the daily market.

Sigh...

Oh San Diego...How You Cost Us!

Yes, we're back and in pretty good shape! San Diego was super fun for all of us. Maelin ADORED the ocean and even I didn't imagine how much fun it would be to watch her scampering in and out of the waves for hours. She'd stand at the point where her feet were wet, but she could get out of harm's way quickly enough if need be and yell, "Big One!" "Little One!" "Here it comes!" and then run as fast as her little legs could carry her through the water. She LOVED it.

It was amazing. I would gladly pay twice the amount of money this trip cost in order to watch her do that again. Very glad we brought the camcorder. It was awesome.

She also really liked the Mexican dancers in Old Town. She stood for about 30 minutes with her mouth wide open just staring at them and then as soon as they left the stage to take a break, guess which little Drama Queen decided it was her turn to dance? Yup...she ran right up on stage and twirled, skipped and danced to her heart's content. It was adorable. She looked so proud of herself as she swirled her skirt and kept saying to me, "Mae Mae dancing?" (Note to self: look into dance class when she's 3.)

We also made it to the world-famous San Diego zoo. It was great fun to watch Maelin admire a new zoo and animals she had never seen before (Koala bears and Panda bears were our favorites too). It was a bit hot that day and I am so not a fan of the heat-and-humidity weather, but it was worth it for the moment when we got her into the Sky Tram that takes you from one part of the zoo to the other (it's huge). She kept saying, "Mae up high!" and looking all around and laughing and beaming and just loving life.

She also really liked the swimming pools. (shocker, right?) The hotel we stayed at kept the water really warm (too warm for my taste but the little flags you raised to have someone immediately bring you a drink made up for that), so she loved it. She loved being thrown and spinned and one night on our way to dinner, she ran up to the pool glass wall and just pressed her nose against it, like a puppy begging for someone to adopt her. She would NOT leave this perch until I promised her we would come back after dinner ("Mama promises???")

However, CA is not a cheap place to be. Our one night out with the lovely babysitter cost us $350 all together. Really. Between the $100 we paid Karen, the $50 for different taxis and things, $150 for an awesome fish dinner that we can't get here in CO, barhopping in places that charge $9 for a gin and tonic, (oh, and the room service dinner the babysitter ordered which I had totally told her she could do), the final total for us to go out from 6pm to 11pm was $350. Oops. Good thing the tequila bar we had stopped at made that bill a bit easier to swallow.

We tried to skip the expensive hotel drink option by walking to a nearby 7-11 type place for some food and liquor to keep in our room. A six-pack of Coors in a can was about $8.50. I got a six-pack of the good local micro-brew and that was about $12. Horrendous, but better than the $5.75 the hotel charged when the lovely waiter brought you your drink by the pool. Or the $5.50 for the Bud Light. We also tried to skip paying restaurant prices for breakfast one day by walking to the local Einstein's. We got 2 breakfast bagels, a milk for Maelin, a coffee and a diet Coke. This cost us $22. Really.

So bottom line is this: San Diego is a fabulous mix of great Mexican food, Southern CA lifestyle, beach, ocean breezes, flowers, pools, fresh fish, fun night-life but be sure you bring your moo-la: you're gonna need it.

Would I change anything? Not on your life. The memories I have of Maelin's first visit to the ocean is not something you can put a price tag on. I'll forever remember the joy in her face as she scampered around by the water's edge with sand all over her, her toes dug in, laughing and screaming at the waves as she tried to avoid them. Then looking up at us with pure happiness in her eyes. Who cares about money during a moment like that?

Not me. Not ever.

(I didn't label each of these pics cause frankly, I think they're self-explanatory and I want to get back to reading Eclipse...)

Off We Go!

Kevin, Maelin and I are off to San Diego for our first ever family vacation. We are planning on taking Mae to the beach, the zoo and we figured we'd take her downtown to see what a new city looks like. She's such a good traveler: I've taken her to Traverse City, MI, Seattle and Disneyland but this will be Kevin's first experience traveling with a child.

We'll see how he does. I was going to go get him some "rescue remedy" from Vitamin Cottage (it's a natural Valium) but I think he'll be okay. I'll let you know.

We were lucky enough to even get a babysitter for one night while we're down there so Kevin and I can go out. A friend of mine has a good friend who lives about 5 minutes away from our hotel so I talked to her a few days ago and Karen is very excited to come meet Maelin and play with her. I'm excited about that because in general, my favorite part of vacations is the night life. We won't be clubbing it up by any means, but it'll be nice to be able to see what the Gaslamp district is like after dark.

Maelin is so excited: she keeps talking about the airplane, the beach and the koala bears. It's going to be awesome to experience this through her eyes. She also really likes the train at DIA, so we're in for some fun with this little one.

You know I'll post pictures when we get back. And we're off!