We Made It Through Our First Day...

It was as hard as I thought it would be, but also better. I was a complete wreck all day. Every time I would get immersed in work, someone would pop in my room and ask to see pictures of the baby or ask me how I was feeling. I'd start crying immediately (not sobbing, just teary-eyed). Finally, one of my friends told everyone to stop asking me how I was doing because it was making me worse. That's true.

Maelin was great. She was happy, kicking, laughing and perfectly content all day. The worst part for her was the heat at Sondra's house and how early I had to wake her up. She was a little champ. The darling did great.

I was another story. I kept thinking about her and even though we called to check on her and I knew she was just fine, I missed her horribly. You can't spend 24 hours a day for 4 1/2 months with your new baby and be fine the first time she's gone all day.

But we made it through. It was great to be back at school again. We got a new literacy curriculum that I'm really excited about and there's a lot of new things happening this year, so it should be an exciting time. All my teachers are super supportive and we have an amazing staff and principal (she won Elementary Principal of the Year last year), so I'm really lucky to have such a great job. However...

It's just not natural for a mommy to leave her baby all day every day. It's not right. When we got home, poor baby was exhausted from the day so we took a nap together. I woke up before she did and just stared at her. I felt like I didn't know her as well as I knew her yesterday. It's going to be a struggle to spend enough time with her, to keep the house running, to visit with Kevin once in a while, and to still see my friends. How do people do it?

It's going to continue to be the hardest thing I ever do to leave her every day...but at least she's in a loving place where I don't have to worry about her. I just have to deal with the constant ache in my heart where she used to be every day.

It's Off To Work I Go

It's over. My time at home with my baby is officially over. School starts for teachers tomorrow at 8:15am. I'm going to wake up around 6 and take a shower and then get baby up (she's not going to like that...she usually sleeps till about 8) and feed her and we're going to try to leave the house by 7am. We'll go to daycare and then I'll leave her there and go to work. She'll stay there all day until I get her around 4:30pm. We'll fight traffic to get home and then we'll get dinner ready, wash the pumping stuff, clean up a bit and try to spend some time together before she goes to bed around 8:30 to get ready to do it all over again.

All the teachers tell me that we're so busy during the day that you don't have a chance to be sad. Other people tell me that it will be really good for Maelin to be around other kids, to learn Spanish, to learn there's other people she can love and trust besides Mommy. I know all of this: I even totally agree with it. I just can't believe how incredibly sad I am. I feel like I'm losing my little baby.

She's growing up so fast. I've had 4 1/2 amazing months at home with her which is a good long time. I know how lucky I am that I was able to have that long at home (and have it paid time, no less!) and I loved it. If you had told me a year ago or even 4 1/2 months ago that I would be so desperately sad about leaving Maelin, I would have said you're crazy. I really like my job: I like feeling useful and using my education and helping kids and being part of something so important. Being a teacher is a big part of who I am. But maybe who I am has changed...

I think a big reason that I'm so sad is because she's getting big so quickly. Every day she can do something new. Yesterday she was able to sit up by herself for about 15 seconds; tonight, she was able to hold her bottle all by herself. I'm going to be gone from her for about 2/3 of her life for the next 9 months. How many little events am I going to miss?

I know everyone talks about "ATTO" or "All That Time Off" that teachers get. I'll write a separate post about that another time, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now. When I finally get to spend full days with my baby again, she'll be 14 months old. She'll be crawling, about ready to walk, trying to talk and she'll be a completely different baby than she is now and I'll have missed 2/3 of it.

**

I never knew how much Mommies love their babies till now. It's an all-consuming love that is so pure. I didn't get it: even when I was pregnant, I didn't get it. I have to hold myself back now from screaming that I don't want to teach, I don't care about our bills, we can sell our house, sell our cars, anything except making me leave my little girl with someone else all day long. My heart hurts so much right now and I just want to stay awake all night with my baby in my arms and never, ever let her go.

School Supplies...Not Just For Parents

School is starting soon and part of the reason I created this blog was so you (the general public) could get a view of what it's really like in public schools these days. I'm sure the days ahead will be filled of posts about different kids, the challenges teachers face making sure their students are learning what they need to know, etc. Today's post is about school supplies and classroom budgets.

Remember going "back to school shopping" with your mom? Our family didn't have much money for that, as we had 4 kids, but I remember it as being an exciting time. It was so much fun to pick out your folders and your pencils and your "trapper keeper." We always got all the supplies we needed and generally one new outfit. I remember staying up late to organize my supplies and the night before the first day back was so exciting. I'd lay out my outfit and all my supplies and imagine my new classroom. It was so much fun.

About 1/2 of my current students don't ever get to experience that. Teachers and schools have to supply not only paper, pencils, crayons, rulers, markers, folders, and notebooks for the students, we also have to supply a fair number of backpacks and winter coats. About 1/2 of my kids come to school without any supplies: the rest of them come in with one pack of pencils when they need 4, they have 2 packs of paper when they need 6 and no crayons or markers or notebooks. None of my students last year brought tissues or hand soap: I had to go buy that myself for our classroom. The school doesn't provide that for each classroom: it's up to the kids to bring it. Then think about the kids who come to school in the middle of the year because they've moved: they hardly ever bring any sort of supplies.

So, you may be thinking, how do these kids have pencils or erasers or notebooks? The teachers buy them for their classrooms. I have a $350 budget this year and I've already spent $200 of it. I went to the sale at Big Lots (most ghetto store ever!) on their "Teacher Appreciation Day" where everything was an additional 10% off and I got crayons and pencil boxes and notebooks and scissors and markers and all sorts of stuff I knew my students wouldn't (or most likely, couldn't) bring. So over 1/2 of my budget is already gone on school supplies that my kids otherwise wouldn't have.

Then I went to the Teacher Supply Store. Remember the alphabet over your chalkboard in 2nd grade? Remember the thing that stuck to your desk that had your name on it? Those are the kinds of things I need at the teacher store. I went there and spent about $80 on supplies I need...and believe me, I didn't get half the stuff I need. Just the absolute basic essentials for the first week. (I'm going to have to go back in September to get the rest of my stuff.)

So, is anyone doing the math? Out of my $350 budget, I have already spent $280: school hasn't even started yet. I still need to get classroom treats for the kids who do a good job, writers notebooks/dictionaries for everyone (they are about $2 each), and I subscribe our kids to a national news magazine that comes once a week that costs about $75. The way I figure it, school hasn't even started yet and I'm already $65 in the hole. That's $65 that's coming out of my own money...before school even starts. Think about the treats, class parties, books I buy the kids for xmas, soap and tissues when we run out, and other random things we'll need throughout the year.

I don't know what the solution is. I know in other "richer" districts, the teachers get about the same amount for their classrooms. EVERY teacher I have ever known has spent an average of about $200 per year for classroom stuff. What other profession does that?

My sister once told me that I knew this about teaching so I shouldn't be mad or complain about it. I don't agree: only by allowing you all to see what teaching is really like and the things teachers go through just to have soap and tissues in their classrooms, will we all step up and demand change. Our students deserve that.

Beautiful Girl

Maelin had her 4 month check-up on Friday. She is now almost 13 pounds (she was a little over 6 at birth) and she's 25 inches long. She's getting big!

She also had to get her shots. That's such a bummer. This time, I didn't look. I closed my eyes and had Kevin hold her hands. It was so sad. She's just laying there, kicking her legs and eating her fists and then all of a sudden, BAM! She's crying and screaming and then it happens 3 more times. We calm her down with lots of hugging and kissing and then the sickness kicks in. When we got home, the poor little thing had a fever of 101. She just wasn't acting like herself. She's not sleeping right, she's cranky and she's just not much fun.

However, it seems as if she's turned the corner. She's been much better today. Here is a picture of her trying to eat my face: how cute is that? Keep your fingers crossed that she sleeps better tonight: it took us till 11:45pm yesterday to get her to sleep. Little pumpkin: even at 4am you can't be annoyed with her because you know she just doesn't feel good. She's sitting (and drooling!) on my lap right now totally entranced with the computer screen...maybe that's the key to getting her to sleep!

It's 3am and I'm Up

Maelin is up so I'm up. She got her shots today and has been running a fever (why do we say "running a fever?" We don't say she's "running a hang-over" or he's "running a cough?") so she's a bit out-of-sorts. Lately she's been taking to waking up to eat around 2 and not wanting to go back to sleep. So we've been playing the "lay-baby-down-and-listen-to-her-fuss" game. I'm not very good at it. So far, Maelin is winning.

I'm pretty exhausted. What the heck am I going to do when I go back to work? I think we're going to try some sort of cry-it-out thing after her fever goes away, because this is ridiculous. I've been up now for 2 hours.

I was just thinking (oh, the things that pop into your head at 3am!) that I'm the only one I know that's up and awake (except for Gizmo of course). Then I remembered: Zana and Martin (they live in England) are up! Kris is up! (Germany) Katy is up! (Rome) Now I feel less lonely, but as I can't call them because my cell phone doesn't dial Europe, I guess I'll go talk to Gizmo.

Darn it....he doesn't want to talk, he just wants food. I guess what goes around, comes around, huh Giz?

Maelin's First Day of Daycare

So, it's here. School is starting in about a week and Maelin and I both need to get used to getting up earlier, packing our stuff for the day and spending it apart. In order to make this a bit easier (although, I don't think anything about this is easy) I decided to take Maelin to Sandra's house a few days before the first day of school. We visited together yesterday and everything was fantastic. Sandra loves Maelin: immediately picked her up and started laughing and talking with her. Maelin was all smiles: she thinks Sandra is pretty special already.

I dropped her off around 10am and Sandra came right up and grabbed Maelin and started laughing with her and making her smile. It seemed like everything was going to be okay and I was late for my pre-school meeting, so I decided to leave. As I was walking down the stairs, I looked back and Maelin was just staring at me. I'm sure she was fine, but it seemed to me like she was saying to me, "Mommy, you're leaving? You're really leaving me here?"

I got in the car and cried for about 10 minutes and then went to my meeting. It was nice talking about school stuff and not focusing solely on the baby for a while, but I missed her terribly. I kept thinking about what she was doing at that moment: was she crying for me? Was she upset because she was in a strange place with strange people? Did she just want to be at home? Was she wondering where I was and why I wasn't around? I couldn't really concentrate on my meeting, so I cut out early. I ran to the teacher-supply store and then bolted to pick up my baby.

I didn't knock this time...I walked right in. I went upstairs (Sandra's house is a split-level: when you walk in, you either go upstairs or downstairs right away) and I didn't see Sandra or Maelin. Sandra's kids were sitting at the table doing homework so I visited with them for a minute and then Sandra came upstairs. Apparantly, she had been down in the bedrooms. She motioned for me to follow her, so I did. I went into Sandra's bedroom and on the middle of the bed, fast asleep, holding her blankie, was my little girl. She was fast asleep. She looked so peaceful and calm. I immediately felt better about leaving her.

Sandra called her daughter over who is in 4th grade to help translate and we talked about the day. Maelin did really well: she didn't cry at all. She got a bit fussy when she was tired, but Sandra was able to calm her down and help her get to sleep. She really liked being outside with the other kids: she looked all around and was really busy watching everything that was going on. She had a good day.

So we left Sandra's. We went home and Maelin was in a great mood and then fell asleep. I guess she was worn out by all the excitement because she took a great nap. I couldn't help but notice that my baby smelled different: not bad, kind of like a perfume. I guess it's a good sign that she's being held a lot, but I wanted her to smell like my baby: not a strange perfume. So I gave her a bath. Then she was mine again.

We are so lucky to have found someone who clearly loves Maelin already and is so loving, close to work, reliable, flexible and cheap. (she's at least 1/2 the amount other people pay for daycare) I know this, but I hate it. I don't want to leave my baby with someone else. I want to be with her while she needs me. Before long, she's going to be growing up and she won't need me as much. I took some time last night and had a good cry about it. I'm going to miss her so much...she'll be just fine, but I'll be a wreck. I can only hope it gets better and Maelin will be okay. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Maelin's Busy Days

So Miss Maelin has had a few busy days. Not only is her sleep schedule all messed up for some reason (which is great fun and at 3am...the only reason I'm not on here then is because I'm too exhausted...) but she's had fun going down the slide at the park, swinging around on her new Johnny Jump-Up, and on her new "Baby Desk" (as Kevin calls it). Here are a few pics of Maelin enjoying her last days of summer !

Love Sent to Suzie

One of my good friends is going through a rough time right now. Her mom Suzie is battling lung cancer and she's giving it a great fight! Here is a picture of Suzie "fighting the good fight." I want to send out lots of love and hugs and "you'll be okay!" thoughts to Suzie and Christina. We miss you guys and hang in there! There's lots of people pulling for you!

Middle of the Night...

So Miss Maelin hit a pretty big milestone last night. I'll recap the evening for you and see if you can spot it:

10:30pm We come home from seeing "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" (it was really good) and we hang out with Kat and Jeff for a bit who babysat. Maelin was fantastic for them and she's sleeping on her tummy in her crib. Totally out for the count.

11:30pm I go to bed

2:45am I hear Maelin crying, so I get up. It's time to feed her so we sit in our feeding chair. Kevin goes to bed.

3:15am Maelin is finished. We burp, change her diaper and cuddle for a few minutes, and I lay her down again and rub her head. Normally, this would result in her falling asleep in minutes, but it's not working tonight.

3:30am Still rubbing her back. It's not working. She's arching, lifting up her head to smile at me and grunting.

4:05am I decide to leave the room and let her "cry it out" for about 10 minutes. I go in my room and read. (yes, I watch the clock.)

4:15am I turn on the monitor in our room to see if she fell asleep and I hear her screaming. I get up and run to her room because now I'm feeling guilty for leaving her.

4:16am I get to her room and she's on her back looking up at me and screaming. She's probably thinking, "What the heck? Where were you? Why did you leave me? " or something to that effect.

4:17am I take her back to feed her some more. She eats quite a bit and falls asleep while eating. I very gingerly lay her down and rub her head and this time it works: she's out.

4:45am I go back to bed. I can't sleep now because I'm awake, so I read for a bit and fall asleep around 5.

7:05am Maelin is crying again. I get up and feed her and she eats a lot and we both fall asleep in the chair while she's eating.

8:00am I wake up with Maelin sleeping next to me and I'm glad I didn't drop her! I put her back in her crib and she sleeps until 9:45am. Good little baby: just like her daddy, she likes to sleep in.

Did you spot it?? Did you see where she broke a milestone? My baby turned over all by herself! Maelin always sleeps on her tummy and when I went in after I let her cry, she was on her back! Yay for baby! It was so cute...I wanted to hold her and take a picture, but she was crying for me so we waited till this morning. I wonder if I can get her to do it again later today? My baby is growing up!

Birth Order of Children

My friend Lindsay sent this to me and I see so much truth in it (yes, I do a lot of the "first child" things...), I'm posting it for you all to see. Hope you enjoy!

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. (this is sooooooo true!!)
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3 rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!

Do Kids "Ruin" Marriage?

I've been confronted with this question quite a bit lately. It seems many couples are happy and then they have a few kids. Before you know it, they're bickering all the time (or they hide it and and they seem perfect in public), and then one of them has an affair or they just split up because "mommy and daddy don't love each other any more."

I know you all know couples that this has happened too: it seems it's more the norm lately. I wonder what happens. Is it that the years of sleep deprivation finally takes its toll and turns each person into a shouting ogre? Or is it that each person feels that their partner doesn't understand what they go through every day? Or does each partner feel that they have it worse? Maybe the sexual attraction fades after you've seen a few little people come out of your partner? Or is it that the kids suck every bit of decorum out of you so it's more okay to shout mean things at your partner: something you'd NEVER do to a stranger? Maybe it's a bit of all of that.

It seems common knowledge that marriage satisfaction can take a plunge after the kids arrive. Now that I've got Miss Maelin, I wonder what Kevin and I can do to ensure that our satisfaction stays the same; or at the very least, doesn't plummet. Maybe it's just making the time to talk about our true feelings about how our lives are going every day. We try to do this: after Miss MaeMae has gone to bed, we usually turn off the TV and just chat for about 10 minutes. He's able to express his work frustrations and I have free reign to tell him about my day...the good and the bad. I know it's much more effective for us to talk about the issues before they become huge problems and we're yelling at each other.

However, this certainly doesn't stop us from snipping at each other. Sleep deprivation can be a nasty thing. We've had our share of late-night yelling at each other...I wonder if that will eventually turn us into a statistic? I hope not.

If you're interested, here is a link to a "Test Your Marriage Satisfaction" quiz. Maybe if we all spent more time working on our marriages and less time watching "So You Think You Can Dance" or working late or hanging out with the attractive person from the office, our kids wouldn't ruin so many marriages. Or maybe that's a simplistic attitude...I hope not.

Sophie Wants Her Mama Back!

I think this picture says it all: Sophie's sick of playing second fiddle to Maelin and she's not going to take it anymore!