When is Enough...Enough?

Confusing title, I know. But hear me out...

I have a hard time knowing when enough is enough. My friends will tell you that they have had to resort to kicking me or giving me a swift hit when I'm talking about something that I'm passionate about but it's either not the time or the place to mention it.

I try really hard. I do. However...

When something is going on that I know as a professional, a mom or just a good human being isn't right, I have a really hard time staying quiet about it if I feel there's a chance I can control the outcome. I've been thinking about why this is...why do I have such a need to help the underdog, save the world, make a difference, not just be quiet when it's politically correct to do so, not play the game, etc.? I think it's because no one did it for me when I was young.

We grew up in a very loving family but like all families, we had our problems. Many of our friends and other family members knew what was going on but NO ONE said anything to help us out. No one did anything to help. As children, my brother, sisters and I were left on our own to forge some sort of normalcy and routine to our dysfunctional existence. I remember feeling alone. I remember feeling abandoned. I remember wondering why this was up to us to fix when there were so many grownups around who knew what was happening but no one seemed to care enough to step in and do anything to help us.

So now I've got a bee in my bonnet. When I feel that is happening to another child (it's usually a kid but my siblings and I have been known to have an unnatural reaction to animals in trouble as well), I have a very hard time staying quiet about it. I do not want to be the adult that a child depended on and I was too busy or didn't want to get involved or thought it wasn't any of my business to help them out. So sometimes I get too noisy about what I think is right for the kid. I also get too noisy to the wrong people.

So when is enough...enough? When do I take a step back and ask myself if saving these kids from (what's screaming at my professional self) a bad education or an unfair situation that I may or may not have the power to do something about? Is it worth putting my job at risk? Is it worth losing money over? Is it worth my personal sanity? Is it worth my sleep at night? My mental health? These are questions that I know the answers to but are pretty scary to admit.

So I'm trying hard to remember that I can't save the world. I can't save every child from a bad home life. I can't make every kid in my class have the education that I think they deserve because I'm fighting their own demons, the restrictions and expectations of the school district and a million other factors. However...

I can be their voice. I can be the voice that no one ever was for my siblings and I. Maybe when one child grows up, they will be able to look back and say that not every adult in their life was quiet. Maybe they'll remember someone talking for them and trying to help. Maybe they'll feel less alone, less abandoned.

So that would be enough.

They Grow Up So Fast...

Sigh. Big sigh. I'm still trying to adjust to the beginning of this school year so I haven't had much time to blog lately. It seems like I'm always 2-3 days behind at work. With 28 kiddos, I'm constantly trying to keep with with grading, lesson plans, recording and gathering data, and hundreds of other tasks that keep me in motion from the minute I step foot into school till the second I leave.

One of the blessings of being that busy at work is I rarely have time to think too much about Maelin and how much I'm missing her while I'm gone. She's been having a great time at daycare: she has a few new friends there now. Baby Carson is the 8 month old son of a colleague at work and there are other random little people that come and go that Maelin totally adores.

I pulled out the video camera tonight to capture some of Maelin's antics while we were playing. It hit me just what a big girl she is. She isn't a baby any longer. She's totally potty-trained now. We were able to do that about a month ago and it took her a total of 4 days to get it...with only 1 accident. She's pretty consistent now and only has an accident once a week or so. She knows how to spell her name. She can sing all of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "ABC's", "When You Wish Upon a Star", amongst other songs. She can do a very wobbly somersault. She told me yesterday that she wanted a "Baby Carson at Mae-Mae's house." (hmmmmmm...to that one). She's learning how to write her name and she recognizes it when she sees it in print. She was eating and LOVING hot sauce with her chips at the Mexican restaurant the other night. She has her favorite books memorized, can count to 50, paints pictures, knows all the sounds the letters make...I could go on and on.

Our little girl (I have to accept the fact that I no longer have a baby girl) is almost 2 1/2 years old already. How did that happen? She's so big and wonderful and is the absolute light of my life. She has gotten big so quickly and although I'm loving every single minute with her, I'm also trying to be as present as possible during it because of how very fast this is flying by.

Our little one is growing so fast...blink and you miss it.

Wordless Wednesday Picture

I'm at Parent-Teacher Conferences right now and have exactly 8 minutes before my next one so I thought I'd put a picture of Maelin with her Daddy up. We went to Tiny Town last weekend (the 4th time for us, the 1st time for Daddy...) and Mae had a blast riding the train, running around the buildings, and just being outside and allowed to scream as much as she wants.

And oh, the popcorn was nice too. :-)

So here's a picture of Maelin on the train with Daddy. I think he had as much fun as she did...

Why I'm Still Teaching...

This has been a really rough year so far. I haven't been posting much because I haven't wanted to complain. Also, I'm totally exhausted after spending all day with 29 kiddos and then coming home and being "Mama" to a pretty demanding 2 year old.

This year has tested pretty much every ideal about teaching that I have. I've had to question whether or not I want to stay in my district because of the direction they are going, if I feel I can still be successful in spite of the huge class size I'm facing, if I think Maelin is still thriving in daycare, and tons of other reasons that have exhausted me every day this year but have nothing to do with this current post.

I went into the office today to complain about one of my behavior problem kids. This kid is going to test every iota of patience and knowledge that I have this year. He was born addicted to meth and there's just not a lot of research out there to help us fully address all his needs. Add that to the fact that our special ed team is basically non-existent this year and I'm on my own with him. Add 28 other kiddos to that mix and you have a disaster waiting to happen.

Anyway, I was in a very bad mood and I happened to check my mailbox. There was a photocopy of a writing assignment inside. Obviously, another teacher had assigned a writing assignment and had copied the result and placed it in my box. (mental note: thank her tomorrow). This is what I read:

"Special People: Mrs. Corzine
Mrs. Corzine has always been there for me. When I went through good times and bad times. When I have a problem she's the one that's always there to help me solve them. She was my brothers teacher and also mine. She was my second grade teacher. She's the nicest teacher I've had. I love her. I go visit her in the morning to help her around. I just wish she was still my teacher. Plus I never leave without giving her a hug. My mom and me always bake her a cake for her birthday because it's on Valentines Day. Mrs. Corzine will always and forever be my favorite teacher."

by Litzy

This is from a 4th grader. I had her 2 years ago and I had her brother 4 years ago. Of course I remember her and love her (as I do almost all my old students) but I NEVER thought I'd affected her this much.

Teaching is a thankless profession. We go to work every day, pay our student loans, accept the criticisms of society on everything we do wrong and are still expected to do it perfectly every day. Well, we're not perfect. We stumble, we fall, we yell. We are ashamed of the times we lose our cool and proud of the times we actually were able to get through to a student. However, most of the time, we're not sure anything we ever say makes a difference.

Today was a day that I felt what I do every day actually matters. I feel like this little girl will grow into the person she's meant to be partly because of me. I feel like some of values and love I gave her every day actually stuck. She'll remember me as she grows and hopefully (crossing fingers here) will beat the odds of poverty and immigration and she'll come back to visit me in 15 years as the first Mexican Female Senator of Colorado. Or a Civil Rights Lawyer. Or a doctor.

Or a teacher.

I can dream. That's why I'm still teaching. For this dream. A little bit of it was realized today.