You Liked Worksheets When You Were In School, Right?

School has started and I'm crazy crazy busy (hence the lack of frequent posts). One thing I thought you might all be interested in is the look of my class and the way things are going up to this point. Here are the specifics, without any identifying details:

24 kids. This is the most I've ever had. I don't even have mailboxes for all of them: one of them has to put their stuff in one of my files every day.

I have the "high" kids. This means that at the beginning of the year, we test every single 2nd grader and the higher ones go in my room. This does not mean, however, that I don't get the low kids. Just means I get the high ones. You'd think this would be a good thing, wouldn't you? Most of the time it's just fine but with the higher kids come the freakier parents, the behavior issues (because some GT kids are what we call "twice exceptional" which means they are really smart but really dumb behavior-wise), and the pressure from the principal, district, state and Bush to be sure every single one of my kids is reading on or above grade level by the end of the year.

To give you some background info, one of the tests we give the kids says they need to be reading (and understanding) 40 words per minute by the beginning of 2nd grade. By the end of 2nd grade, they need to up to 90 wpm. My class looks something like this: 3 kids at 100+ wpm, 11 kids at 50-100 wpm, 5 kids at 30-50 wpm and 4 kids at 10-0 wpm.

That's right: I have 3 kids who are reading above a 3rd grade level, 11 above 2nd grade, 5 right at grade level and 4 who are reading at a kindergarten level.

To put that into perspective, I have to create 3 different lesson plans for every lesson I teach. One for the high kids so they aren't bored, one for the grade level kids and one for the super low kids. That's 3 plans each for every reading, writing, math, grammar, handwriting, (the low kids can't even form their letters yet), spelling (oh yes, I have to create and test everyone on two different spelling tests each week), science and IB lessons that we do. (more about what IB is later...). This takes me at least 4 hours every week to research, plan, gather materials, make copies, etc. This does not take into account the hours I should be putting into testing the kids, entering the data, meeting with the special ed teacher (for my one special ed student: all the rest are general ed), coaching my student teacher and all the rest of the stuff I'm expected to do every single day.

Normally, I'm very excited about all this. I think it's a great challenge of my abilities. However, this year is presenting a problem for me which I have yet to discover a solution to. In the past, I'd stay after school for a bit doing lesson plans, doing research for my GT kids, preparing hands-on activities for my low kids and just generally getting things ready for the next day. Since Maelin's arrival, I'm unable to continue doing that and I've found myself in a situation that I don't see an answer to: How can I be an effective teacher for these kids when I don't have enough time to plan for them?

To answer the question I'm sure you're going to ask: Why are those low kids in your room? How did they get into 2nd grade? Why didn't your school hold them back? What's with these schools not retaining kids???

I have to say, I'm starting to agree with you. However, the climate now reflects the many many many studies that show that retention of kids is detrimental to them and they don't end up any more ahead. The fact is, schools are under tremendous pressure to NOT retain any kids. Our hands are tied on this matter. It's just not up to us anymore.

Okay, you may be saying, what about your plan time? Don't teachers get hours of plan time where they gather in the teacher's lounge and eat donuts and talk about their students? I'd love to say yes because that sounds like lots of fun, but the answer is no. We get 5 hours of plan time a week. One hour is taken up by our team meetings (where the 2nd grade teachers meet to plan our units), and close to 45 minutes is taken up by formal meetings with the principal. That leaves about 3 hours every week. Put bathroom breaks in there (that's the only time you get to use the restroom because who would watch your kids if you duck out?), pumping, making copies, checking emails, phoning parents, and you've got about 1 hour of plan time per week.

Hence, my stress level. I just don't have enough time to do this job as well as I've done it in the past because I'm not able to give my own time anymore. I work 9 hours per day: shouldn't that be enough? Unfortunately, it's just not. I would have to stay after on my own time for 3 hours every week in order to have everything done. That's just not going to happen, so I have to find ways to cut corners.

It's my kids who are going to suffer. When it comes time to choose activities, I'll have to choose the ones that require the least amount of planning and gathering of materials. When push comes to shove, I'll have to give more seatwork (the dreaded worksheet) and less hands-on activities. I'll teach more out of the manual and less from my own creative stores because I just don't have the time to research and plan for it.

Hopefully, one day teachers will have the time they need in order to create exciting, creative and inventive lesson plans that reach all of their students: the smart ones, the behind ones, the ones learning English and everything in between. Ideally, teachers should be given one full day per month without kids so we can collaborate with each other, gather materials, set up technology and really be able to teach the kinds of lessons that our kids deserve.

Today is not that day. Kevin just got done putting Maelin to sleep and I'm right behind her as I got up at 5am to get into school early in the hopes of getting some planning done before the kids got there. I was able to have a good lesson for my low kids, but the bell rang before I was done planning for the high kids. They had to suffer through a "Where does a capital letter go?" lesson with everyone else when I would have loved to have them researching authors or doing a book study or an independent newsletter.

If only I had the time...

Having A Baby Won't Change Me!!

My brother mentioned yesterday that I’ve really changed since having Maelin. I was offended at first, but after I thought about it, I’m supposed to change…there’s no way you could have a baby and not have some changes.

As I was feeding Maelin this morning at 3am, I was thinking about all the ways our lives look different. Here are a few of them:

Before Baby: Fridays were Happy Hour time: I looked forward to them all week and it would start off a great weekend of partying with friends. A fantastic way to relax after the busy week.
After Baby: Fridays are baby hour time: I look forward to them all week because it’s the start of a few days with my baby. An ideal Friday night now? Hanging out with baby at home and then having a few friends come over for a glass of wine to hang out with both of us and in bed by 11pm.

Before Baby: All my extra money was spent on clothes. I loved going shopping and searching the sale racks for cute stuff that I could wear out to the bars or to work.
After Baby: What extra money??? Seriously, there is no extra money! If I need clothes, I’m going to have to start checking out Goodwill.

Before Baby: The kitties were my babies. I’d sleep in one position all night so as not to disturb them, I’d give them most of the covers, and I thought their meowing for food in the morning was cute.
After Baby: I kicked Gizmo off the bed yesterday because he was taking up too much room, I close the door so I can’t hear them meow and I can’t remember the last time I was able to sit with Sophie for longer than 2 minutes.

Before Baby: My top priorities were Traveling, Family, Work, Friends, Partying, Shopping, etc… I always had a trip planned: whether it was to Santa Fe for the weekend with girlfriends, New Orleans for my 30th bday with friends, Chicago to hang out or to Rome for Spring Break.
After Baby: My top priority is Baby, Family, Baby, Friends, Baby, Work, Baby, Shopping, etc. No traveling. I can’t imagine leaving her for longer than a night now that I’m back at work.

Before Baby: After work I would grab dinner with friends, lounge around on the couch, go shopping, or read a good book and take a long shower.
After Baby: After work I feed baby, take her for a walk, grab a frozen pizza, do laundry, clean pumping stuff and collapse exhausted and dirty into bed.

Before Baby: Weekends were a fun-filled time of sleeping at least until 10am, drinking every night, staying up until 3am, hitting the malls, and lying around on the couch watching HGTV while recovering from the partying.
After Baby: I got up today (Sunday) at 6:30am and was at Wal-Mart by 8am. I put 3 loads of laundry in, played with baby, cleaned the bathroom, fed baby, put her down for her nap, helped Kevin clean the basement, fed baby again, pulled some weeds from my horribly neglected flower garden, played with baby, organized my clothes for the week, decided what to make for dinner, fed baby, gave her a bath, cleaned kitchen, took baby for a walk, read some (BABY!) books and put baby down for the night at 9pm. Too exhausted to do anything else, so I go to bed and read a magazine. (if you had told me that’s what my Sundays would look like before I had Maelin….)

Before Baby: I would hang out with friends for hours. There was always something to do or someone who wanted to go grab a beer.
After Baby: I went an entire week last week with not talking to a SINGLE friend of mine.

Before Baby: I’d wonder how Kevin would do as a dad. He’d always shy away from OPK’s (other people’s kids) and act like they were annoying him.
After Baby: Kevin is an amazing dad. He lights up when he sees Maelin and she always has a smile just for him. I can count on him for everything. Now I have huge amounts of respect for single mothers.

Before Baby: I was always in the midst of a great book: usually even in the middle of two or three.
After Baby: Does “The Nursing Mother’s Companion” count as a great book?

Before Baby: My favorite stores were NY & Company, Gap Outlet and Old Navy.
After Baby: My favorite stores are The Children’s Place Outlet and Once Upon a Child (a baby consignment store).

Before Baby: I’d always be up for anything. Call me at 9pm to go get dinner? Sure! Want sushi on a whim? I could get 3 or 4 people to meet me there and we’d have a great time. The Nada’s are at the Little Bear on a Sunday night and I have to work in the morning? No problem…I’ll just tell the kids that they have to be extra good because I’m sick!
After Baby: I need at least a week notice for anything so I can decide if baby goes too or I need a babysitter or if we can afford it or if it’s an appropriate place to bring a baby or if there’s a discreet place where I can feed her or will she be fussy the whole time or if people will glare at me for bringing her. No wonder I like to stay home!

Before Baby: I’d stay late at work at least 3 days a week getting stuff done. I’d visit with other teachers, I’d volunteer for meetings and trainings, I'd tutor kids and I was always the last one to leave the building.
After Baby: Bell rings at 4:05 and teachers have to stay till 4:15. I’m out of there at 4:16. Don’t you dare ask me to stay later or be on a committee!

Before Baby: I had no idea what it was like to love something more than anything in the world. I had no idea what it felt like to have a little person need you just to love them and take care of them. I had no idea what it was like to walk in a room and see that little person light up just because you are there. I had no idea that you become obsessed with love and you feel like you’ll burst and you can’t believe you got so lucky to be blessed with this perfect little thing that is so beautiful and innocent and precious.
After Baby: Now I know. I think some changes are good ones.

Kevin's Bday

It was Kevin's birthday on Thursday: he's the ripe old age of 34 now. I keep teasing him that he's getting closer to 40 than 30...I don't think he finds it very funny.

We got to go out to dinner last night for his birthday. Kat and Jeff came along with us and we had Papa Dad and Grandma Jean babysit Maelin for us. One of the many benefits of a good daycare is that Maelin and I are both getting used to having someone besides me watch her. So far, Maelin isn't showing any seperation anxiety (I know that comes later...) when I leave her, so it makes me feel okay about having people babysit her.

Kevin loves seafood and I can take it or leave it (plus it's expensive) so every year for his birthday we got to Pappadeuxs. We've tried Joe's Crab Shack (horrible idea) and the Fresh Fish Company, but we like Pappadeuxs the best. I called Papa Dan and told him to come over around 6:30pm figuring that I'd have all day to get ready. What a laugh. Nothing is quick like it used to be!

We went to Boulder to visit with Grandma Lea. She's healing great and was in a really good mood. Maelin was a little star: she spent the afternoon talking and squealing to everyone. She's getting so darn cute: I can hardly stand it. We stayed a bit longer in Boulder than we had planned on and got back to Denver around 4pm. I was still exhausted from the work week, so I went in to take a nap while Kevin played with Maelin. I woke up around 4:45 thinking I still had plenty of time to take a shower and get ready for dinner. Well, Maelin needed to be fed and then I needed to pump and then she really wanted to take a nap and Kevin was having a hard time putting her down.

It's so hard not to "step in" when I see stuff like that. I know I'm supposed to walk away and let him figure it out: not only for his benefit (so he feels successful) but also for Maelin's sake (so she realizes that other people besides Mommy can comfort her), but it's sooooooo hard to do that. I was looking at the clock and thinking how my shower was slipping away and just snatched her away from him so I could put her to sleep myself. It worked too: after about 30 seconds, she started to fall asleep.

Then I felt bad. If I had just gotten in the shower then, he would have eventually gotten her to sleep and I would haven been enjoying a uninterrupted shower instead of grumbling that I have to do everything around here. So I gave her back to him to try again. She arched her back and fussed for about 5 minutes and then he did it: Maelin fell asleep on him. At this point, it was 6:30. So much for having plenty of time to get ready.

I jumped in the shower and really tried to go fast but I can't get ready start to finish in 15 minutes. Kat and Jeff showed up and then Papa Dan and Jean came in and I was ready around 7pm. Dinner as adults at last!

Off we went: Maelin was in a great mood and Papa Dan and Jean were so excited to be watching her that I didn't worry a bit about leaving her. They were going to have a great time (and they did: she only fussed for them for about 5 minutes). We got to dinner and I told Kevin we were going to pretend to be "baby-less" for a night. Maybe we could talk about the things we used to and enjoy each other like it was before Maelin came along and we were too sleep-deprived to remember we like each other.

We had a very nice dinner: a bit expensive, but great. Towards the end, I went to the bathroom and saw a little baby in her carseat: almost exactly Maelin's age. Then it was over: I wanted to get home to see my baby. Darn it...

We got home and Maelin was just going down for the night. I was able to cuddle her for a bit before she went to sleep and Jean rocked her to sleep (she really wanted to do this). Jean offered to take Maelin every other Thursday so she won't need to go to Sandra's which will be great!

All-in-all, Kevin's bday dinner was a lot of fun. It was great to go out w/o the baby for a few hours and have a nice dinner. However, having frozen pizza at home while your baby sits and grins and squeals at you is pretty nice too.

We Love You Grandma Lea!

This is Kevin's mom, Lea. She's amazing. Kevin's dad and mom divorced when he was about 3 so Lea was a single mom to Kevin and his brother most of their lives. She worked full time and was always available to both of them.

As a mother-in-law, she's fabulous. She's like my 2nd mom. I can pretty much go to her for about anything. I know I'm really lucky. Maelin loves her grandma Lea and although she lives in Boulder and it's a good drive to see her, we try to do it every few weeks because we really want them to be close.

Lea is battling skin cancer. She had surgery for it last year and now it's back. She had her 2nd surgery yesterday and is so far doing great! They had to remove quite a bit of scalp (the cancer is on her part in her hair...let that be a lesson to all of us who never wear hats outside!) and it burrowed its way into her scalp. The doctors think they got it all this time, so we're keeping the faith that they are right. It's going to be a rough few months of recovery for her (she may have to have radiation and will probably need reconstructive surgery), but we're confidant she'll be okay.

Please keep Lea and everyone else that is going through a hard time right now in your thoughts. In the day-to-day minutiae of life, we tend to forget what's really important. Having healthy, happy family and friends around you is the most important thing of all...not whether or not your blow dryer is working (see post below...) or if you're having a rough day on the job.

We love you Grandma Lea!

A Day in the Life of a Working Teaching Mommy

I thought I was tired and worn out before I got pregnant. Then, I whined all the time about how I never got any sleep and all I could do after work was collapse on the couch and stay there all night...

I didn't know what the heck I was talking about!

Nothing prepares you for how hard it is to go back to work when you have a baby. Especially when you're a teacher and you have to spend so much of your own time getting your room and lessons prepared. It's amazing. Here's a sample of my day:

5:30am Wake up. Have to get up this early so I can squeeze in a shower and a bowl of cereal before baby wakes up.

6:15am Try to dry hair and see sparks in dryer. Realize that blow dryer has finally died after 8 faithful years and thank God that it waited till hair was just about dry.

6:30am Wake baby up. She's in a fantastic mood so try to feed her.

6:45am She's too excited to eat and she wants to play. With extreme sadness, I put her in her crib so I can pump out what she didn't want to eat. Listen to her kicking and squealing in her crib and wish like hell that I could go play with her all day and not go to work.

7:00am Pack up my stuff. I need a bag full of Maelin's milk for the day, I need my empty bottles and pump, my lunch, my bag with my teaching stuff and bottled water and my purse.

7:05am Take baby in to Kevin to say good-bye. She's in such a great mood, we play with her for a bit before we load her into her carseat.

7:15am Load baby and all the crap into the car and jump on the highway for the 20 minute drive to daycare. I usually try to sing or talk to Maelin the whole way to make myself feel better about leaving her.

7:40am Arrive at Sandra's house. She's very happy to see Maelin and immediately starts talking and cooing to her. Maelin is all smiles and goes right to her. I put her stuff away and give her a quick good-bye before I start to cry.

7:50am I leave Sandra's and drive the 6 minutes to work.

7:56am Arrive at work and put pumping stuff in pumping room (the file closet...with the copier. At least it has a lock on the door!) and get stuff ready for the day. This includes checking email, making copies, cleaning room, meeting with principal, multiple meetings, coaching my student teacher about the day, etc.

9:00am Kids arrive. Spend the next 2 hours teaching. Usually too busy to think about the baby much.

11:00am Kids go to music, gym, etc. I go pump in the hot closet room. Try not to think about how much I'd rather be feeding her in person instead of what I'm actually doing.

11:20am Finish planning, have more meetings, run to the restroom, make more copies, rearrange more things, do some grading, filing, calls to parents, write newsletter home, prepare PowerPoint for Back to School Night, answer emails about new autistic student, meet with child advocate about special ed students, etc.

12:00pm Kids come back. More teaching.

12:40pm Time for lunch. After I take kids to the cafeteria, I have about 19 minutes to eat lunch, go to restroom, fill up water bottle, visit with other teachers, check mailbox, talk to parents, etc.

1:10pm Kids come back. More teaching.

3:00pm Kids go to recess. Send student teacher out for recess duty so I can go pump again in hot closet. Try to finish super quickly before kids come back.

3:20pm Came back in after kids...thank God for student teacher. Wonder what I'll do on Friday because she's only here on W and Th.

4:05pm Kids go home. I walk them out and talk to parents and teachers.

4:15pm Run out of work before I get stuck in a meeting or doing work (I really should be getting more stuff done, but I just can't! I'm dying to see my baby!)

4:30pm Get to Sandra's. Today, she met me at the door smiling and motioned for me to go upstairs. I went up there and Maelin was lying on her playmat: kicking, squealing and batting at her toys. When she saw me, she gave me a huge toothless grin and squealed.

4:45pm Chat with Sandra (her daughter interprets for us) and load Maelin up in the car to fight I25 traffic home. Usually Maelin falls asleep at some point.

5:15pm Get home with baby. Put all pumped milk in fridge, throw old bottles in sink, go to the bathroom and settle down to play with my baby. End up falling asleep with her on my lap for a bit...what quality time.

6:00pm Feed baby. Start thinking about dinner and really wishing we had a maid...

6:30pm Put frozen pizza or pasta in oven with one hand while holding baby.

7:00pm Kevin comes home and plays with baby while I scarf dinner down. Then I play with her while he eats.

7:30pm We both take baby outside for a walk. She loves this...this is the best part of our day. Yesterday, the neighbors dog was out and every time he barked, Maelin laughed. She really laughed and giggled and had a great time. It was hilarious!

8:00pm Give baby her bath. She loves her bath and it's a good way to wash up from the day and give her a chance to relax.

8:30pm Feed baby. I feed her first and then Kevin finishes her off with a bottle. This process, along with the burping and changing (Maelin always lets loose on us while she's eating!) goes till around 9.

9:00pm Rock baby to sleep. I love this time with her. She snuggles into me and just looks at me while I sing songs to her. She doesn't mind that I'm off-key or that I get the words wrong...she just loves being close and hearing my voice. Eventually, she drifts off to sleep.

9:30pm Kevin comes in and we lay her in bed gently so she doesn't wake up. Little thing stirs a bit but then goes right back to sleep. We tip-toe out.

9:35pm I sit for 10 minutes to catch my breath...the first time all day that I haven't had something else I should be doing. Then I have to get up: there's more to do.

9:45pm I pump..this takes about 20 minutes. Usually, I try to sit so I can see the weather for the next day so I know how to dress in the heat inferno which is my classroom.

10:15pm Kevin and I clean up and I pack up everything for the next morning...bottles, lunches, clothes, etc. I give the kitties a pat on the head and go check on the baby.

10:30pm I watch a bit of Jay Leno and then go lay down. It takes me a good 30 minutes to settle down, so I read a book or a magazine.

10:31pm Darn it! Just remembered the blow dryer and how I forgot to stop on my way home to pick up a new one. I guess curly hair is in the forecast...

11:15pm I check on the baby again. She's so cute...

11:20pm Finally...to sleep. There's been no friends time, no drinking wine or beer on a patio, no getting laundry or dishes done, no vegging out in front of the TV, none of that. It's amazing.

3:15am Baby gets up to eat. Luckily, she eats and goes right back to sleep. I, however, am awake so it takes me a bit longer...

4:45am Go to sleep.

5:30am The alarm goes off and we do it all over again.

I asked in a previous post...how do working moms do it???? It's only been a week that I've been back and as you can see, I'm wasted! What's the secret??

(p.s. I wrote this post over a period of 3 days. That's how long it took to actually have time to sit down and finish it)

Baby's Got A Cold...It's Going To Be A Long Night

Maelin has been a bit fussy all weekend: we chalked it up to her adjusting to the new daycare schedule. Yesterday, I noticed she was really stuffy and I had to start sucking the snot out of her nose.

Today, she's been a little bear. One minute she's precious: smiling, laughing, eating her hands, etc. The next minute, she's sceaming and arching her back. Her nose is even worse today: I can hear her sucking up all this snot in her nose and I can't get it out. It's up there way too far.

We put her to bed at 9:30pm and she was up again at 10:30pm crying. We think it's because the poor thing can't breathe. We sucked out as much snot as we could get (which she loves...) but we can still hear and see it up there. We put her back down and I can hear her in there breathing really loudly.

We propped up her head a bit, that's about all we can do: unless I sleep sitting up in the chair with her all night. Why the heck didn't she get her first cold before I went back to work????

It's going to be a long night with baby...

Be Careful What You Wish For

If you've read my posts about Maelin sleeping, you'll know that we've really been wanting to get her on a schedule of some sort.

Well, it seems as if daycare has done that. At least for the last two nights, Maelin has slept through the night! She goes to bed at 9:30pm and we haven't heard a peep out of her until 6:30am!! Of course I run to her bed at 4am, 5am and at 6am to be sure she's still breathing, so I'm as tired as ever, but at least she's starting to get it!!

Daycare has its benefits, it seems! (but, deep down I wish she were still waking up because I liked having that time with her)

The Beginning of the School Year

Every year I panic: "How am I going to get it all done before the kids get here?" Every year I totally freak out that the kids are going to show up and the room is going to be a mess, I'll have no lesson plans, no computers, etc. So far, I've been organized enough and able to spend many many extra hours in my classroom setting up so those things have never happened.

This year may be the year my fears come true.

Every teacher spends their own time setting up their classrooms at the beginning of the year. It's one of those things that just goes with the territory: the building custodians tear your room apart during the summer and it's up to you to put it back again. On your own time, no less. In the past, I've looked at this daunting project with a bit of excitement: it's fun to rearrange your room, throw out things that didn't work last year and plan for new activities. Last year, I went in to school for 2 additional days before the start of the year and I easily stayed every night for two weeks until 5 or 6pm. If you've been keeping up on my previous posts, you may have spotted the problem that is totally stressing me out right now: how the heck am I going to get my room ready, have lesson plans prepared and still have time for Maelin?

In order to fully have you understand my problem, let me give you a glimpse of what my room looked like when I came back from summer break and the things I need to have ready for next Tuesday:

**Computers are trashed. They aren't hooked up, monitors are upside down and they are in a tangle of wires, plugs and outlets. I'm missing all my mouse pads, my printer and all my discs that the kids used last year. Plan on spending at least 4 hours putting all this back together because the district cut the technology services this year due to budget cuts.

**Desks and chairs are stacked up to the ceiling. This includes my teacher desk (which I had to empty last spring and now I have to find the box with all my flies and supplies) and my filing cabinet and my big table.

**There are 33 boxes of curriculum materials for me to go through and sort. Each box will take at least 45 minutes to put away.

**Most of my books are completely mixed up. Plan on spending at least 3 hours organizing them.

**Different odds and ends need to be taken care of: cleaning, putting away school supplies, throwing trash away, getting rid of old curriculum, etc.

**Read entire new curriculum so I know what I'm supposed to be teaching. This will take 2 days.

**Complete entire new lesson plans on my hard drive because we added 45 minutes to the school day this year so the entire day will look different. This will take about 3 hours.

**Create new literacy and math centers. This is huge. Centers are a great way for kids to learn, but they take a lot of time to create. Once they're up and running, they're easier, but they are a huge pain to create. This will take the better part of the next few weeks to create and gather materials.

**One more day of professional meetings our principal has scheduled for us.

No wonder I'm stressed out! Normally, I find all this fun and stimulating, but how in the world am I going to get this all done by next week when the students get here and still leave at 4:15 to pick up Maelin?????

Hmmmmmmm....is it too late to just stay at home with the baby???

We Made It Through Our First Day...

It was as hard as I thought it would be, but also better. I was a complete wreck all day. Every time I would get immersed in work, someone would pop in my room and ask to see pictures of the baby or ask me how I was feeling. I'd start crying immediately (not sobbing, just teary-eyed). Finally, one of my friends told everyone to stop asking me how I was doing because it was making me worse. That's true.

Maelin was great. She was happy, kicking, laughing and perfectly content all day. The worst part for her was the heat at Sondra's house and how early I had to wake her up. She was a little champ. The darling did great.

I was another story. I kept thinking about her and even though we called to check on her and I knew she was just fine, I missed her horribly. You can't spend 24 hours a day for 4 1/2 months with your new baby and be fine the first time she's gone all day.

But we made it through. It was great to be back at school again. We got a new literacy curriculum that I'm really excited about and there's a lot of new things happening this year, so it should be an exciting time. All my teachers are super supportive and we have an amazing staff and principal (she won Elementary Principal of the Year last year), so I'm really lucky to have such a great job. However...

It's just not natural for a mommy to leave her baby all day every day. It's not right. When we got home, poor baby was exhausted from the day so we took a nap together. I woke up before she did and just stared at her. I felt like I didn't know her as well as I knew her yesterday. It's going to be a struggle to spend enough time with her, to keep the house running, to visit with Kevin once in a while, and to still see my friends. How do people do it?

It's going to continue to be the hardest thing I ever do to leave her every day...but at least she's in a loving place where I don't have to worry about her. I just have to deal with the constant ache in my heart where she used to be every day.

It's Off To Work I Go

It's over. My time at home with my baby is officially over. School starts for teachers tomorrow at 8:15am. I'm going to wake up around 6 and take a shower and then get baby up (she's not going to like that...she usually sleeps till about 8) and feed her and we're going to try to leave the house by 7am. We'll go to daycare and then I'll leave her there and go to work. She'll stay there all day until I get her around 4:30pm. We'll fight traffic to get home and then we'll get dinner ready, wash the pumping stuff, clean up a bit and try to spend some time together before she goes to bed around 8:30 to get ready to do it all over again.

All the teachers tell me that we're so busy during the day that you don't have a chance to be sad. Other people tell me that it will be really good for Maelin to be around other kids, to learn Spanish, to learn there's other people she can love and trust besides Mommy. I know all of this: I even totally agree with it. I just can't believe how incredibly sad I am. I feel like I'm losing my little baby.

She's growing up so fast. I've had 4 1/2 amazing months at home with her which is a good long time. I know how lucky I am that I was able to have that long at home (and have it paid time, no less!) and I loved it. If you had told me a year ago or even 4 1/2 months ago that I would be so desperately sad about leaving Maelin, I would have said you're crazy. I really like my job: I like feeling useful and using my education and helping kids and being part of something so important. Being a teacher is a big part of who I am. But maybe who I am has changed...

I think a big reason that I'm so sad is because she's getting big so quickly. Every day she can do something new. Yesterday she was able to sit up by herself for about 15 seconds; tonight, she was able to hold her bottle all by herself. I'm going to be gone from her for about 2/3 of her life for the next 9 months. How many little events am I going to miss?

I know everyone talks about "ATTO" or "All That Time Off" that teachers get. I'll write a separate post about that another time, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now. When I finally get to spend full days with my baby again, she'll be 14 months old. She'll be crawling, about ready to walk, trying to talk and she'll be a completely different baby than she is now and I'll have missed 2/3 of it.

**

I never knew how much Mommies love their babies till now. It's an all-consuming love that is so pure. I didn't get it: even when I was pregnant, I didn't get it. I have to hold myself back now from screaming that I don't want to teach, I don't care about our bills, we can sell our house, sell our cars, anything except making me leave my little girl with someone else all day long. My heart hurts so much right now and I just want to stay awake all night with my baby in my arms and never, ever let her go.

School Supplies...Not Just For Parents

School is starting soon and part of the reason I created this blog was so you (the general public) could get a view of what it's really like in public schools these days. I'm sure the days ahead will be filled of posts about different kids, the challenges teachers face making sure their students are learning what they need to know, etc. Today's post is about school supplies and classroom budgets.

Remember going "back to school shopping" with your mom? Our family didn't have much money for that, as we had 4 kids, but I remember it as being an exciting time. It was so much fun to pick out your folders and your pencils and your "trapper keeper." We always got all the supplies we needed and generally one new outfit. I remember staying up late to organize my supplies and the night before the first day back was so exciting. I'd lay out my outfit and all my supplies and imagine my new classroom. It was so much fun.

About 1/2 of my current students don't ever get to experience that. Teachers and schools have to supply not only paper, pencils, crayons, rulers, markers, folders, and notebooks for the students, we also have to supply a fair number of backpacks and winter coats. About 1/2 of my kids come to school without any supplies: the rest of them come in with one pack of pencils when they need 4, they have 2 packs of paper when they need 6 and no crayons or markers or notebooks. None of my students last year brought tissues or hand soap: I had to go buy that myself for our classroom. The school doesn't provide that for each classroom: it's up to the kids to bring it. Then think about the kids who come to school in the middle of the year because they've moved: they hardly ever bring any sort of supplies.

So, you may be thinking, how do these kids have pencils or erasers or notebooks? The teachers buy them for their classrooms. I have a $350 budget this year and I've already spent $200 of it. I went to the sale at Big Lots (most ghetto store ever!) on their "Teacher Appreciation Day" where everything was an additional 10% off and I got crayons and pencil boxes and notebooks and scissors and markers and all sorts of stuff I knew my students wouldn't (or most likely, couldn't) bring. So over 1/2 of my budget is already gone on school supplies that my kids otherwise wouldn't have.

Then I went to the Teacher Supply Store. Remember the alphabet over your chalkboard in 2nd grade? Remember the thing that stuck to your desk that had your name on it? Those are the kinds of things I need at the teacher store. I went there and spent about $80 on supplies I need...and believe me, I didn't get half the stuff I need. Just the absolute basic essentials for the first week. (I'm going to have to go back in September to get the rest of my stuff.)

So, is anyone doing the math? Out of my $350 budget, I have already spent $280: school hasn't even started yet. I still need to get classroom treats for the kids who do a good job, writers notebooks/dictionaries for everyone (they are about $2 each), and I subscribe our kids to a national news magazine that comes once a week that costs about $75. The way I figure it, school hasn't even started yet and I'm already $65 in the hole. That's $65 that's coming out of my own money...before school even starts. Think about the treats, class parties, books I buy the kids for xmas, soap and tissues when we run out, and other random things we'll need throughout the year.

I don't know what the solution is. I know in other "richer" districts, the teachers get about the same amount for their classrooms. EVERY teacher I have ever known has spent an average of about $200 per year for classroom stuff. What other profession does that?

My sister once told me that I knew this about teaching so I shouldn't be mad or complain about it. I don't agree: only by allowing you all to see what teaching is really like and the things teachers go through just to have soap and tissues in their classrooms, will we all step up and demand change. Our students deserve that.

Beautiful Girl

Maelin had her 4 month check-up on Friday. She is now almost 13 pounds (she was a little over 6 at birth) and she's 25 inches long. She's getting big!

She also had to get her shots. That's such a bummer. This time, I didn't look. I closed my eyes and had Kevin hold her hands. It was so sad. She's just laying there, kicking her legs and eating her fists and then all of a sudden, BAM! She's crying and screaming and then it happens 3 more times. We calm her down with lots of hugging and kissing and then the sickness kicks in. When we got home, the poor little thing had a fever of 101. She just wasn't acting like herself. She's not sleeping right, she's cranky and she's just not much fun.

However, it seems as if she's turned the corner. She's been much better today. Here is a picture of her trying to eat my face: how cute is that? Keep your fingers crossed that she sleeps better tonight: it took us till 11:45pm yesterday to get her to sleep. Little pumpkin: even at 4am you can't be annoyed with her because you know she just doesn't feel good. She's sitting (and drooling!) on my lap right now totally entranced with the computer screen...maybe that's the key to getting her to sleep!

It's 3am and I'm Up

Maelin is up so I'm up. She got her shots today and has been running a fever (why do we say "running a fever?" We don't say she's "running a hang-over" or he's "running a cough?") so she's a bit out-of-sorts. Lately she's been taking to waking up to eat around 2 and not wanting to go back to sleep. So we've been playing the "lay-baby-down-and-listen-to-her-fuss" game. I'm not very good at it. So far, Maelin is winning.

I'm pretty exhausted. What the heck am I going to do when I go back to work? I think we're going to try some sort of cry-it-out thing after her fever goes away, because this is ridiculous. I've been up now for 2 hours.

I was just thinking (oh, the things that pop into your head at 3am!) that I'm the only one I know that's up and awake (except for Gizmo of course). Then I remembered: Zana and Martin (they live in England) are up! Kris is up! (Germany) Katy is up! (Rome) Now I feel less lonely, but as I can't call them because my cell phone doesn't dial Europe, I guess I'll go talk to Gizmo.

Darn it....he doesn't want to talk, he just wants food. I guess what goes around, comes around, huh Giz?

Maelin's First Day of Daycare

So, it's here. School is starting in about a week and Maelin and I both need to get used to getting up earlier, packing our stuff for the day and spending it apart. In order to make this a bit easier (although, I don't think anything about this is easy) I decided to take Maelin to Sandra's house a few days before the first day of school. We visited together yesterday and everything was fantastic. Sandra loves Maelin: immediately picked her up and started laughing and talking with her. Maelin was all smiles: she thinks Sandra is pretty special already.

I dropped her off around 10am and Sandra came right up and grabbed Maelin and started laughing with her and making her smile. It seemed like everything was going to be okay and I was late for my pre-school meeting, so I decided to leave. As I was walking down the stairs, I looked back and Maelin was just staring at me. I'm sure she was fine, but it seemed to me like she was saying to me, "Mommy, you're leaving? You're really leaving me here?"

I got in the car and cried for about 10 minutes and then went to my meeting. It was nice talking about school stuff and not focusing solely on the baby for a while, but I missed her terribly. I kept thinking about what she was doing at that moment: was she crying for me? Was she upset because she was in a strange place with strange people? Did she just want to be at home? Was she wondering where I was and why I wasn't around? I couldn't really concentrate on my meeting, so I cut out early. I ran to the teacher-supply store and then bolted to pick up my baby.

I didn't knock this time...I walked right in. I went upstairs (Sandra's house is a split-level: when you walk in, you either go upstairs or downstairs right away) and I didn't see Sandra or Maelin. Sandra's kids were sitting at the table doing homework so I visited with them for a minute and then Sandra came upstairs. Apparantly, she had been down in the bedrooms. She motioned for me to follow her, so I did. I went into Sandra's bedroom and on the middle of the bed, fast asleep, holding her blankie, was my little girl. She was fast asleep. She looked so peaceful and calm. I immediately felt better about leaving her.

Sandra called her daughter over who is in 4th grade to help translate and we talked about the day. Maelin did really well: she didn't cry at all. She got a bit fussy when she was tired, but Sandra was able to calm her down and help her get to sleep. She really liked being outside with the other kids: she looked all around and was really busy watching everything that was going on. She had a good day.

So we left Sandra's. We went home and Maelin was in a great mood and then fell asleep. I guess she was worn out by all the excitement because she took a great nap. I couldn't help but notice that my baby smelled different: not bad, kind of like a perfume. I guess it's a good sign that she's being held a lot, but I wanted her to smell like my baby: not a strange perfume. So I gave her a bath. Then she was mine again.

We are so lucky to have found someone who clearly loves Maelin already and is so loving, close to work, reliable, flexible and cheap. (she's at least 1/2 the amount other people pay for daycare) I know this, but I hate it. I don't want to leave my baby with someone else. I want to be with her while she needs me. Before long, she's going to be growing up and she won't need me as much. I took some time last night and had a good cry about it. I'm going to miss her so much...she'll be just fine, but I'll be a wreck. I can only hope it gets better and Maelin will be okay. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Maelin's Busy Days

So Miss Maelin has had a few busy days. Not only is her sleep schedule all messed up for some reason (which is great fun and at 3am...the only reason I'm not on here then is because I'm too exhausted...) but she's had fun going down the slide at the park, swinging around on her new Johnny Jump-Up, and on her new "Baby Desk" (as Kevin calls it). Here are a few pics of Maelin enjoying her last days of summer !

Love Sent to Suzie

One of my good friends is going through a rough time right now. Her mom Suzie is battling lung cancer and she's giving it a great fight! Here is a picture of Suzie "fighting the good fight." I want to send out lots of love and hugs and "you'll be okay!" thoughts to Suzie and Christina. We miss you guys and hang in there! There's lots of people pulling for you!

Middle of the Night...

So Miss Maelin hit a pretty big milestone last night. I'll recap the evening for you and see if you can spot it:

10:30pm We come home from seeing "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" (it was really good) and we hang out with Kat and Jeff for a bit who babysat. Maelin was fantastic for them and she's sleeping on her tummy in her crib. Totally out for the count.

11:30pm I go to bed

2:45am I hear Maelin crying, so I get up. It's time to feed her so we sit in our feeding chair. Kevin goes to bed.

3:15am Maelin is finished. We burp, change her diaper and cuddle for a few minutes, and I lay her down again and rub her head. Normally, this would result in her falling asleep in minutes, but it's not working tonight.

3:30am Still rubbing her back. It's not working. She's arching, lifting up her head to smile at me and grunting.

4:05am I decide to leave the room and let her "cry it out" for about 10 minutes. I go in my room and read. (yes, I watch the clock.)

4:15am I turn on the monitor in our room to see if she fell asleep and I hear her screaming. I get up and run to her room because now I'm feeling guilty for leaving her.

4:16am I get to her room and she's on her back looking up at me and screaming. She's probably thinking, "What the heck? Where were you? Why did you leave me? " or something to that effect.

4:17am I take her back to feed her some more. She eats quite a bit and falls asleep while eating. I very gingerly lay her down and rub her head and this time it works: she's out.

4:45am I go back to bed. I can't sleep now because I'm awake, so I read for a bit and fall asleep around 5.

7:05am Maelin is crying again. I get up and feed her and she eats a lot and we both fall asleep in the chair while she's eating.

8:00am I wake up with Maelin sleeping next to me and I'm glad I didn't drop her! I put her back in her crib and she sleeps until 9:45am. Good little baby: just like her daddy, she likes to sleep in.

Did you spot it?? Did you see where she broke a milestone? My baby turned over all by herself! Maelin always sleeps on her tummy and when I went in after I let her cry, she was on her back! Yay for baby! It was so cute...I wanted to hold her and take a picture, but she was crying for me so we waited till this morning. I wonder if I can get her to do it again later today? My baby is growing up!

Birth Order of Children

My friend Lindsay sent this to me and I see so much truth in it (yes, I do a lot of the "first child" things...), I'm posting it for you all to see. Hope you enjoy!

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. (this is sooooooo true!!)
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3 rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!

Do Kids "Ruin" Marriage?

I've been confronted with this question quite a bit lately. It seems many couples are happy and then they have a few kids. Before you know it, they're bickering all the time (or they hide it and and they seem perfect in public), and then one of them has an affair or they just split up because "mommy and daddy don't love each other any more."

I know you all know couples that this has happened too: it seems it's more the norm lately. I wonder what happens. Is it that the years of sleep deprivation finally takes its toll and turns each person into a shouting ogre? Or is it that each person feels that their partner doesn't understand what they go through every day? Or does each partner feel that they have it worse? Maybe the sexual attraction fades after you've seen a few little people come out of your partner? Or is it that the kids suck every bit of decorum out of you so it's more okay to shout mean things at your partner: something you'd NEVER do to a stranger? Maybe it's a bit of all of that.

It seems common knowledge that marriage satisfaction can take a plunge after the kids arrive. Now that I've got Miss Maelin, I wonder what Kevin and I can do to ensure that our satisfaction stays the same; or at the very least, doesn't plummet. Maybe it's just making the time to talk about our true feelings about how our lives are going every day. We try to do this: after Miss MaeMae has gone to bed, we usually turn off the TV and just chat for about 10 minutes. He's able to express his work frustrations and I have free reign to tell him about my day...the good and the bad. I know it's much more effective for us to talk about the issues before they become huge problems and we're yelling at each other.

However, this certainly doesn't stop us from snipping at each other. Sleep deprivation can be a nasty thing. We've had our share of late-night yelling at each other...I wonder if that will eventually turn us into a statistic? I hope not.

If you're interested, here is a link to a "Test Your Marriage Satisfaction" quiz. Maybe if we all spent more time working on our marriages and less time watching "So You Think You Can Dance" or working late or hanging out with the attractive person from the office, our kids wouldn't ruin so many marriages. Or maybe that's a simplistic attitude...I hope not.

Sophie Wants Her Mama Back!

I think this picture says it all: Sophie's sick of playing second fiddle to Maelin and she's not going to take it anymore!