My Story

"It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."Ralph Waldo Emerson

New Year's Eve, 2011. I found myself alone for a few hours. All the family who were in town for xmas had long gone. I had plans to meet some friends later that night, but for the moment, I was alone. That doesn't happen very often. I was wandering around my house, cleaning up that, putting this away...when I found myself sitting on my couch with my laptop. I was searching, looking, hunting, for something that would put 2011 into perspective. Anything, really. It was a year of extremes. Amazing times filled with family, friends, and life-long memories. But it was also filled with some of the darkest times I have ever known. I was feeling really glad to see it go, frankly. Turns out I couldn't find anything that was making me feel better about the last events that I will always associate 2011 with. In one day in December, I experienced the biggest amount of joy I had felt in a long time. I also experienced a sudden, unexplainable tragedy that changed the way I feel about the world and my school forever. My definition of "safety" changed forever that day.

But while I was sitting there waiting for my friend to come over to pick me up, I thought about all the wondrous events of 2011. My daughter turned 4. We buried my mom at Disneyland during an amazing family reunion where I got to watch Maelin shout with glee as she rode Space Mountain with her hands up in the air. I got to watch her meet her hero, Buzz Lightyear. I connected with some long-lost family that I am so grateful to have. I was there when Maelin learned how to jump in the deep end of the swimming pool without holding her nose. She went on her first hike in the mountains...totally smoking myself, her grandpa, and only had to be carried back down part of the way. I watched my baby cousin graduate from high school and helped send her off to college. Another cousin turned 16, and I got to take her downtown and make her feel like her "Sweet 16" was something special. I conducted the 1st and 2nd grade music programs and watched 6-8 year olds really sparkle and shine. I met some amazing new friends who I'm proud to call part of my family. I watched Maelin conduct a choir.

I spent time in Rome and the coastal region of Italy. I spoke Italian. I discovered an amazing new wine. My cousin married a fantastic girl in Milwaukee at one of the most fun weddings I've ever attended. I fell in love with a new group of 2nd graders. They make me smile, and sometimes cry, every day. I celebrated with dear friends the adoption of their new little girl. Maelin discovered her love of the theater and will always be my buddy when it's time to see a play or a ballet. I registered to return to CU to get my 2nd Masters in Literacy. I reconnected with old friends who will always own part of my heart. I went 4-wheeling in the snow. I watched Maelin's first ballet recital with pride as she was the only child who didn't want to listen to her teacher: she just wanted to dance the way she wanted to dance. I helped get the first school play in our school's history off the ground and underway. I was able to spend the first Christmas ever with my entire family. I watched a world full of strangers provide gifts, clothes, books, food, treats, and hundreds of other things to over 100 of my 2nd graders. They still talk about those days as the "best days ever." I watched a little boy who doesn't have much time left experience real joy.

I was trying very hard to focus on all of this on New Year's Eve. My heart is still broken for the losses of 2011. And also for what I would love to see happen or achieve, but will probably never be. I'm not ready to write about those lost hopes and dreams, however. Because the beauty is: maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they aren't lost. Maybe they're still there...I just have to look harder. Maybe the love is in a different place now. Maybe the story I should be telling myself is not that things are wrong, out of place, or just not right...but are the way they need to be. So that Maelin and I can continue to challenge each other and our friends to live a life without fear. Without regard to what others think we should do.

So my challenge for 2012 is to be able to look back and be able to say Maelin and I lived authentically. We did what was right for us and we are living in accordance with who we want to be. We are going to try to overcome the fear and the tragedy and make ourselves proud. My story for 2012 is going to be filled with laughter and friends. Family and joy. Hard work and play.

And maybe...a trip to Disneyland along the way.

"Take calculated risks.
That is quite different from being rash."George S. Patton