Now that I'm home for a few more weeks (how fast summer flies by will be another post), I've been able to catch up on some reading that I've been putting off. I finally made it through Twilight (LOVED it!!) and I'm hoping to finish the other 3 in that series before school starts again.
Another book I've read recently is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I was somewhat "assigned" to read this (more about that in yet another post), and although I'm usually not very interested in self-help books, this one had some good things to say. In fact...I think I believe most of it.
The premise of this book is this: have you ever been in a relationship where you just felt that you and your partner were speaking different languages? Where you couldn't believe how hard you worked to let your partner know the things you needed and wanted and your partner responded with exactly the opposite? Have you felt that you were talking Swahili to your partner? Or your words just flew right over his/her head? If your answer is yes (which I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I bet that's most of us at one point or another), Chapman's view is that you and your partner speak different love languages.
I bet some of you wanted to stop reading at this point. I'm starting to go all Oprah on you...this is something she would do, right? She reads some amazing book (Eckhart Tolle ring a bell???) and tries to get everyone on her bandwagon on how it totally changed her life and we should all start a book club this very day and read this book.
Well...I'm not Oprah. This blog doesn't reach millions of people. However...I know some ladies who read this blog semi-regularly when they're up late and don't feel much like watching another Snuggie infomercial who might actually benefit from reading this book. It sure beats the cost of marriage counseling...
But, I digress. The idea is that there are 5 love languages that each of us speak. In general, we have one primary language and one secondary. These can change during the course of our lives (the language that you speak is different during your courtship and changes after you've had a baby, etc...) but for the most part, your primary language is what speaks love to you. I'm not going to write a huge posting about every point I liked from this book because minus all the Jesus talk (which wasn't too bad...I was able to skip over it), I agreed with pretty much everything Chapman had to say. This post would be huge and frankly, I'm too excited to go start New Moon to write a real book review. You can also look that up here on Amazon if you want. There are tons of positive reviews and you can read those too if you have already read New Moon.
There are 2 points to this book that I'll take away with me. The first one is:
"The in-love-heady-feeling you get when you are first together with someone ISN'T real and DOESN'T last." Wow. So what he's saying is that all those romantic books, movies, songs that I've taken to heart in the last, oh...34 years aren't real???? You mean most people don't talk until the sun comes up after they've been together for 15 years??? (oh come on...you know you did this at least once with someone you had just started dating!) You mean to say that after I've been with him for 13 years my heart won't skip a beat when I see his name on my caller ID???? Hmmmmmm....
The point that Chapman is making is that the heady "in love" experience that we all love (the "new" feeling) has been studied and is temporary. It is impossible for your system to maintain that sort of intensity for longer than 2 years. 2 years! That's what we get people!! That's it...of that wonderful, dizzy, can't-think-of-anything-else feeling. The problem with this is during that 2 years is when most of us move in, get engaged, possibly even get married. Then what??? Who hasn't heard someone complain, "It all changed after the wedding."? Who hasn't watched some wonderful "The Notebook" or "Serendipity" movie and wished their love life was as passionate years down the road? Those aren't real and are in fact, fiction. Having my MA in Behavioral Sciences, I kinda knew that already but it sure was pleasant to have it confirmed by actual studies.
The other point I enjoyed from this book is the actual "Love Languages" themselves. As a veteran of many relationships (some better than others, but that's neither here nor there), I know how hard it is to make a long-term relationship work. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe because I'm the 3rd child, I seek too much control. Maybe it's because of the crazy religion I was raised with. Maybe it's because I'm a master at being passive-aggressive. Maybe it's because I'd happily move to Disneyland and work in the Candy Kitchen wearing the red and white striped outfits. I don't know. Or maybe...it's because I was speaking the wrong language.
Now before you start screaming "Oprah!!" at me, hear me out. This really does make sense. Has your partner ever done something for you (ie: told you he loved you and you sure do look nice tonight) and you said thanks, but deep down you were cursing the mother f$%#@$ because what you really wanted was for him to get off his lazy a$%# and fold the friggin laundry? Or have you spent days, weeks, months on locating the perfect gift (scoured Craigslist and eBay) for the first edition of the Radiohead anthropology, had it shipped over from London, wrapped and ready to go on the 6th anniversary of your first kiss...and he says "Thanks." Then proceeds to look confused and asks, "Was I supposed to do something?"
Sigh...
I'm willing to bet we've all found ourselves here at one point or another. The problem isn't that he doesn't care or you are just a screaming, nagging hag. The problem is that you aren't speaking the same languages. You may as well be speaking Latin.
Here are the five languages. See if you're lucky enough to be able to spot your primary and secondary language right away (then you won't need to read the book!!)
Quality Time***Words of Affirmation***Gifts***Acts of Service***Physical Touch
(I'm going to say that before you start moaning that ALL men speak Physical Touch, it involves way more than just sex. Enough said.)
Here's your challenge if you want to improve your current relationship: you need to figure out which language is your primary language and communicate that to your partner. The book also gives plenty of ideas and examples of things you can do for your partner in THEIR language. You also need to figure out which language is your partner's primary language so you can start speaking it.
So that's it. That's my new soapbox. We'll see how long I stay on it. For now, I'll leave you with this quote that a friend sent to me recently:
No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And, no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.
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2 comments:
Great post. I am glad you liked the book and I have to add that I think it takes two people that are both dedicated to making the relationship work. Kind of like that old saying. It takes two to fall in love, but one to ruin it.
Sometimes when people have made that choice- NOTHING you do is going to make them change, untl they decide they are going to change. I firmly believe we can never change other people- only ourselves and how we react to them.
If at some point you have done everything you can to try to work on the relationship & the other person has made it very clear they have no interest in changing or even trying to meet you halfway- I don't think you have to be doomed to a life with a partner that cares that little for you.
And I know your post wasn't meant as an abuse post, but if you are being abused in any form- physical, emotional, mental- then NONE of this applies. You get out ASAP. No person is ever entitled to abuse their person.
Overall great post. :-)
That should have said no person is ever entitled to abuse their partner. (not person).
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