A Scary Time Ahead...

I come from a rather large family. Not crazy "18 Kids and Counting" large, but large by today's standards. We have 4 kids in our family and my dad's family had 5, so we have all sorts of wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. So we're a loud and crazy bunch (emphasis on the loud...)

We've always been really lucky to be really close to each other. Even though we were raised by a crazy religion that kept us somewhat isolated from everyone, family has always been very important to all of us and we've kept in close contact. I'm happy to say that even though we're too loud, too much in each others' business, nosy, and crazy, we've never really had too much serious drama or sadness.

Oh sure, we've all had our problems. We were very sad to lose our Aunt Cacky to a brain tumor about 9 years ago. My mom has battled different health issues over the years but for the most part, we've all been really lucky to be healthy and happy.

This week is going to put all that to the test...at least for a little bit. My older sister Heather was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer and is undergoing a major surgery on Friday. For more information about this, (I'm calling it PTC for short), click here. My sister has always been really healthy: nothing major ever wrong with her. She has 2 boys: a 5 year old and a 3 year old and is in the middle of getting divorced. Which makes the timing of this just evil. She is still on her ex's health insurance for now, but for how long remains to be seen.

So anyway, she's undergoing a 9-12 hour surgery on Friday. They have discovered some lymph nodes in her neck that have been affected by the cancer so they need to going to remove them before they spread further. They are going to cut her neck from ear to ear and slowly remove all the infected lymph nodes, her thyroid, and try to put her back together as best they can.

She has a 4% chance of never talking again. She is also facing being on thyroid medications for the rest of her life. There will be "extensive damage" to the nerves in her neck and shoulders and she'll have to go through physical therapy to rebuild the muscles and nerves there. She will have to have radioactive iodine inserted into her neck to try to kill any other cancerous growths that the surgeon isn't able to remove. There are other problems that are possible but to be honest, I try not to think about them too much. You can do your own research if you're curious.

One good thing is at this point, it doesn't look like she'll need chemo or radiation. They are planning to have her in the ICU for about 2 days and then in the hospital for a week. After that, she's planning on coming to Denver (she lives about 1 hour north of us in a small town) to stay with my dad so he can help take care of her and there will be a safe place for the boys.

I'm really starting to get nervous for her. I know she reads this, so I'm staying positive, but honestly...my family has been so lucky health-wise in the past that I really don't know how to best be there for her. I'm going with her on Tuesday afternoon for a full-body PET scan to see if the cancer is anywhere else in her body and I'm going on Wednesday to meet with her surgeon for her pre-op appointment, but that's about all I know how to do. Just being there helps, I guess.

Cancer is such a scary word. You hear it and you immediately think "death" even though people beat it all the time. I'm so sad and mad about this: why does my healthy, young sister who has 2 young sons to take care of have to go through this? Why are we worrying about whether or not she'll be able to talk? Or as she says...she doesn't want us running a race in her honor. (a bit of joke but somewhat true.) Instead of enjoying the start of my hard-earned summer vacation with Maelin, I'm scheduling who is going to stay overnight with her in the hospital each night. I'm arranging where family members who are flying in are going to stay. I'm figuring out where to put Maelin while I'm with Heather during the surgery and afterwards. I'm not planning anything for her recovery time in case something comes up and she needs me. It is all-consuming and only goes away when you're sleeping.

I've always been the "care-taker" in my family. Maybe it's because I'm the middle child, maybe it's because it's just in my nature, maybe it's because I like to be busy and have things to do so everyone has just expected me to fall into that role. Up until now, I didn't mind that job. I liked knowing what was going on with everyone and helping to take care of everyone and being the planner in the family. However, I'm finding the role to be overwhelming and exhausting now. Heather needs me now more than she ever has and although I will ALWAYS be there for her no matter what, there are times I just don't know what to say. She will call me immediately when she finds out some more (seems like it's always) bad news and my first impulse is to freak out right along with her and burst into tears. That's not being a care-taker though so I stop myself, think of positive things to say and calm her down a bit. Then I hang up the phone and start to hyper-ventilate. I refuse to let her know how worried I am about her (she'll know now though... :-) while she's processing the scary new information so I keep it inside.

My good friend told me the other day that I needed to take a small step back from the care-taker roll and let other people help. She said it was starting to affect me and I needed to allow myself to feel the fear and the sadness about this...it's okay not to be the strong, stoic one all the time. I don't know how to do that but I think she's right. I'm going to try.

Aunt Kat is going to come along on Wed for the pre-op appt so Heather and I aren't there all by ourselves. Kat is going to help ask questions and help keep us both calm because I don't think we can do it by ourselves anymore. We're too involved: Heather is worried for her life and I'm worried for her. That's not a good combination when you're supposed to be calm and reasonable and asking intelligent questions.

So there you go. I might do a post or two this week if I find myself alone during the surgery on Friday with nothing to do. Maelin will be in daycare or with friends so at least I won't have to worry about her. I'll be spending most of the next 2 weeks spending the nights in the hospital with Heather so she's not alone with her thoughts...that can be pretty scary. We'll try to laugh through the pain and the fear and I KNOW we'll come out okay.

I'm scared...but the care-taker in me knows that this is just something yucky we have to get through. We WILL get through it and our family will go on being as loud and crazy as ever.

I know it.



Heather and I partying it up on New Years