Yesterday I went to pick up Maelin from daycare as usual. Sondra answered the door holding Maelin: the little pumpkin was kicking and squealing and laughing when she saw me. I reached out to take her and...
She didn't want me. She wanted Sondra. Maelin looked at me again, put her thumb in her mouth, starting crying and arching towards Sondra. I was devastated, so I gave her back to Sondra for a minute thinking she just needed some transition time.
As soon as Sondra took her back, Maelin stopped crying and started squealing again. The little bugger. So, I tried again. I reached out to take her and...
She didn't want me. Again. She wanted Sondra. She started crying again and did the whole routine all over until I gave her back a 2nd time.
At this point, I was getting really upset. I didn't want to show it though, so I gathered her stuff together and said, "It's time to go bye-bye!" and reached out to take her back. She's MY little girl, for gosh sakes! As soon as I took Maelin again: yup, you guessed it, she started crying again and arching towards Sondra.
Sondra reached out to take her but I turned away and just whispered quietly to Maelin to get her to calm down. She was still whimpering when we left, but by the time we got in the car, she was happily chewing her toys and was just fine.
Hence goes the working mom's dilemma: I'm sooooo happy that she loves Sondra so much and it obviously shows she's getting excellent care there, but damn it, Maelin is my baby girl: she's not supposed to cry when I hold her!! I remember this happening to me in reverse when I was a nanny, so I knew to expect it, but I didn't expect how devastating it is when it does happen.
It made me want to immediately quit my job: to march in to my principal and tell her that I'm sorry; Maeln comes first and I'm not going to let someone else raise her any longer. Then I got home and saw my first student loan payment since I consolidated them...it's over $300 per month. There's no way Kevin and I can afford for me not to work: we need to have money for Maelin and bills and insurance and cars and LIFE! Life is so bloody expensive and Kevin does not make enough for us to live on his salary alone. I just cried the whole way home because I'm so sad.
I'm sad that I can't stay home with Maelin. I'm so sad that I didn't have enough foresight that I might want to stay home so I didn't run up the credit card debt by traveling that we have. I'm sad that I had to pay for both of my degrees myself, hence my large student loan debt. I'm sad that teachers don't make more money so I could pay everything off sooner! Mostly I'm sad that someone else gets to spend 8+ hours a day playing with my adorable baby girl and I only get her for 3.
Time to go get her. Keep your fingers crossed that she's happy to see me today because I don't think I could take it two days in a row...
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2 comments:
Sorry you are sad- I hope things get better. :-)
Oh Mara, that's really tough!! I'm sorry to hear that happened. I don’t think I would have thought that through either. I remember that feeling you described (as the nanny)... not easy! I can only imagine being in the flip side of that. I hope today went better!
On a positive note... Maelin seems to truly enjoy people and not be scared to be held by or around strangers. Not to mention the warm memories she'll have of this caring woman who cared for her in her early years. (That’s assuming she remembers any of it.)
I say the memories because my mom worked when I was young and my first childcare situation ended abruptly bad and then the lady that cared for me in my early elementary years was kind of a nightmare. My mom never knew that until much later. So as unbearably hard as it is, Sondra sounds like a blessing for the immediate situation you’re in.
I find myself thinking of these types of situations lately…
I kicked and screamed for Eric & me to move into Denver! And I’m SOO happy we’re here! And interestingly enough, now that we’re here, we have a lovely house, we’re close to everything and yet the flip side is, I think we’ll find ourselves in your same situation. Maxing out Eric’s salary! Not to mention our debt and my bills that he has taken on. I haven’t received a paycheck since February. And it makes me wonder… at what point did people (us) decide to max themselves out and live where they need every penny that comes into their checkbook. I think about things like that! I question generations past… If in the same circumstances, would they sell their larger house or prime location house and move into a less expensive neighborhood a little outside of prime so that the money daddy brings home would stretch a little further?
Just some things that make you go hmmmmmm…..??
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