It’s been an amazing 4 months. I can hardly remember when Maelin was first born. After we got home from the hospital, she went down to 5 pounds, 14 oz at one point and she was so tiny. I remember when you held her, she’d curl up into a tiny ball like she was trying to disappear. She was so precious. We called her our little bird and our little “one-eyed pirate” because she’d look at you with one eye closed. It was pretty cute.
When May rolled around, Maelin got a bit bigger. We had our first Mother’s Day. I couldn’t believe that I was a mom!?! It’s a very surreal experience: sometimes I still don’t believe that I have an entire little person who is entirely dependant upon me. It’s amazing. In May, Maelin filled out a little bit and we got into a routine of being home together. The visitors were all gone and it was just her and I. We would sleep in together: most days, I’d bring her in bed with me or I’d lay with her on the couch. Then we’d go for a walk or meet a friend for lunch and just lazily watch the days roll by. We loved just sitting on the couch together and talking…Maelin is pretty smart, so she has lots to say.
June was busy for us. We had the end of my school year to get through and I brought Maelin in to say good-bye to all the kiddos. We packed up my classroom and it seemed like forever before I’d have to think about coming back here and leaving my baby with a stranger. It got a bit hotter in June so we’d try to seek out the air-conditioning and we’d still take naps together and read books and dance around the house. Maelin discovered her Baby Einstein DVD’s during this time, so we had fun with Beethoven, Bach and Mozart. Her little personality was starting to emerge and you could see what a sweet little soul she has. She just loves to be held, but she can also be quite a drama queen.
Kevin really bonded with Maelin in June. She was more used to him and starting to realize that mommy isn’t the only one that she feels safe with. We went to our friends’ birthday parties and we went to a housewarming party and a wedding shower and we just enjoyed being together…ahhhh, the lazy days of summer.
July brought some activities that kept us pretty busy. First was my brother’s wedding and Maelin's first overnight visit with Grandma Lea. I cried and cried when she left the wedding to go home with grandma because I realized how much I needed her! I knew she’d be fine with grandma but I’d be a mess. That’s when it hit me how amazing being a parent is. I remember someone said that being a mom is like having your heart walk around outside of your body. That is totally true. I need my baby just like I need food and water. It sounds corny, but she is the best thing I have ever done or will ever do. She is pure innocence and love.
We got to spend lots of time with our family in July. Our cousin Peter came out to visit from Milwaukee, my sister Vanessa was here from Seattle and she got to stay with us. It was so great to hear Maelin in the middle of the night and to get up and go to her room and see my sister already up and comforting her. It’s amazing how much love Maelin brings to everyone around her. It’s instant. We also got to spend time with my mom who came in from Minneapolis and my aunt and cousins who were here from Michigan. One of the best things about weddings is the family and friends who get together for it. I wish people got together more often...we’ll have to work on that.
Before we knew it, it was time for our trip with Emily to my grandma’s house in Michigan. We had a great time and it was so wonderful to see Maelin enjoying the water (just wait till next year…she’ll be all over it!) and to see her with her great-grandma Mimi. I can’t believe that trip is over already…it went by so fast!
It’s going to be August this week. Come to think of it, this is our last full week together. Next week, we’ll be visiting daycare and spending some time there and then the week after that, school starts. I can’t believe it’s almost time for me to hand my baby over to someone else for 8 hours every day. How do you trust someone that much? How do I know that Maelin won’t be crying for me or if she does, she’ll forgive me for not being there to pick her up and love her? Will she keep crying? Or will she eventually stop and wonder why I never came?
I know we’ll both be okay eventually and the first week or so will be the hardest, but I can’t tell you how much I am dreading August 16. I think about it every day, every hour, every time my baby smiles at me or laughs or needs me to hold her. I’m going to be giving that responsibility, that joy over to someone else and I pray that Maelin will forgive me for not being there for her. The thought of it kills me and brings me to tears even as I write this and I want to go snatch my sweet baby out of her crib and run away with her to someplace where there aren’t bills to pay and isn’t health insurance to have. Someplace where we can pretend that it’s April or May or June all the time. Someplace where we can still have lazy days and just enjoy being together.
Our time together is almost over and it’s going to be replaced with daycare, running errands and trying to get everything done. We’ll have our few short hours together every day and I hope that’s enough for her to remember that I’m her mama and I love her more than anything. I guess time will tell and we’ll just wait for next June.
When May rolled around, Maelin got a bit bigger. We had our first Mother’s Day. I couldn’t believe that I was a mom!?! It’s a very surreal experience: sometimes I still don’t believe that I have an entire little person who is entirely dependant upon me. It’s amazing. In May, Maelin filled out a little bit and we got into a routine of being home together. The visitors were all gone and it was just her and I. We would sleep in together: most days, I’d bring her in bed with me or I’d lay with her on the couch. Then we’d go for a walk or meet a friend for lunch and just lazily watch the days roll by. We loved just sitting on the couch together and talking…Maelin is pretty smart, so she has lots to say.
June was busy for us. We had the end of my school year to get through and I brought Maelin in to say good-bye to all the kiddos. We packed up my classroom and it seemed like forever before I’d have to think about coming back here and leaving my baby with a stranger. It got a bit hotter in June so we’d try to seek out the air-conditioning and we’d still take naps together and read books and dance around the house. Maelin discovered her Baby Einstein DVD’s during this time, so we had fun with Beethoven, Bach and Mozart. Her little personality was starting to emerge and you could see what a sweet little soul she has. She just loves to be held, but she can also be quite a drama queen.
Kevin really bonded with Maelin in June. She was more used to him and starting to realize that mommy isn’t the only one that she feels safe with. We went to our friends’ birthday parties and we went to a housewarming party and a wedding shower and we just enjoyed being together…ahhhh, the lazy days of summer.
July brought some activities that kept us pretty busy. First was my brother’s wedding and Maelin's first overnight visit with Grandma Lea. I cried and cried when she left the wedding to go home with grandma because I realized how much I needed her! I knew she’d be fine with grandma but I’d be a mess. That’s when it hit me how amazing being a parent is. I remember someone said that being a mom is like having your heart walk around outside of your body. That is totally true. I need my baby just like I need food and water. It sounds corny, but she is the best thing I have ever done or will ever do. She is pure innocence and love.
We got to spend lots of time with our family in July. Our cousin Peter came out to visit from Milwaukee, my sister Vanessa was here from Seattle and she got to stay with us. It was so great to hear Maelin in the middle of the night and to get up and go to her room and see my sister already up and comforting her. It’s amazing how much love Maelin brings to everyone around her. It’s instant. We also got to spend time with my mom who came in from Minneapolis and my aunt and cousins who were here from Michigan. One of the best things about weddings is the family and friends who get together for it. I wish people got together more often...we’ll have to work on that.
Before we knew it, it was time for our trip with Emily to my grandma’s house in Michigan. We had a great time and it was so wonderful to see Maelin enjoying the water (just wait till next year…she’ll be all over it!) and to see her with her great-grandma Mimi. I can’t believe that trip is over already…it went by so fast!
It’s going to be August this week. Come to think of it, this is our last full week together. Next week, we’ll be visiting daycare and spending some time there and then the week after that, school starts. I can’t believe it’s almost time for me to hand my baby over to someone else for 8 hours every day. How do you trust someone that much? How do I know that Maelin won’t be crying for me or if she does, she’ll forgive me for not being there to pick her up and love her? Will she keep crying? Or will she eventually stop and wonder why I never came?
I know we’ll both be okay eventually and the first week or so will be the hardest, but I can’t tell you how much I am dreading August 16. I think about it every day, every hour, every time my baby smiles at me or laughs or needs me to hold her. I’m going to be giving that responsibility, that joy over to someone else and I pray that Maelin will forgive me for not being there for her. The thought of it kills me and brings me to tears even as I write this and I want to go snatch my sweet baby out of her crib and run away with her to someplace where there aren’t bills to pay and isn’t health insurance to have. Someplace where we can pretend that it’s April or May or June all the time. Someplace where we can still have lazy days and just enjoy being together.
Our time together is almost over and it’s going to be replaced with daycare, running errands and trying to get everything done. We’ll have our few short hours together every day and I hope that’s enough for her to remember that I’m her mama and I love her more than anything. I guess time will tell and we’ll just wait for next June.
1 comment:
Oh man...that made ME cry, b/c I know how it feels to leave your baby. While I can't give you any advice on how to handle F/T daycare, I do feel for you. I can only imagine how heart wrenching this will be.
It is amazing how much you do need your baby- I like what you wrote. I suppose that is nature's way of making sure the next generation survives.
One good suggestion I have heard from working mom's is bring your baby to bed with you. They say they LOVE snuggling up next to their baby at night, and after being away from each other all day, it allows you both to have that 8 hours of close time and to bond.
Even if you aren't awake, M. will smell you, and hear your heartbeat. She'll know that even though her mama is gone during the day, she ALWAYS comes back for her, and she gets to be with you at night. I say try it for those first few weeks- what can it hurt? If it doesn't work out, then she can always sleep in her crib again, but it might be a really nice chance to recapture some of the time that is lost during the day.
One more suggestion, that I just thought of, is maybe for a few nights before Aug. 16th, you can wear an old t-shirt around the house and to bed. Then you can bring it to daycare, and if M. seems like she needs you, have the lady give her the shirt, so she can smell you. (kind of like what you do w/ a new puppy.)
Remember too, you are only a few minutes away. Maybe you can "sneak" away for a few minutes if you are going crazy for her.
I don't envy you, but you both will get through it, and perhaps you will find another way to bond-like sleeping at night, or in another way, that hasn't occured to you yet.
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