It’s 3am. I’m up next to Maelin’s room listening to her put herself back to sleep. My sweet baby is such a good sleeper: she goes to bed around 10pm, and usually gets up to eat around 3am, again at 7am and then wakes up for the day at about 10am. I love the fact that she sleeps in: she takes after her daddy.
During her 7am feeding yesterday, I was thinking about how much our lives are going to change once I have to go back to work. I’ll have to get up before she does to take a shower and get everything ready and then her 7am feeding will be the last one before I cart her off to daycare. She’ll spend her days without me while I teach the kids and then I’ll pick her up around 4:30pm and we’ll go home and try to bond while I get something for dinner, rinse out the pumping materials, get things ready for the next day, and get Maelin back to sleep by 9 or 10. Weekends will be spent catching up on housework and errands and seeing family and friends until it starts all over again on Monday morning.
Seems impossible. I love spending all day with her. We usually hang out at the house until I’ve squeezed in a shower and then we go shopping, or to the park, or we meet friends for lunch, or just hang out. In the afternoon, we usually lie down for a nap together. Yesterday I couldn’t sleep, so I just held and enjoyed my sleeping baby as she took her nap on me. There was no place I’d rather be at that moment.
I really enjoy my job and I never thought I’d be the type of person who’d be happy being a stay-at-home-mom. I need to have things to do: I need to be on the go and have a lot of people to do it with. Being a teacher is part of who I am. We’re also lucky that I get so much time off. I’ll be able to spend months off with Maelin every year, while other professions only get the customary 2 weeks off. There are many benefits to daycare as well. Some studies show that children in daycare have greater vocabularies, have fewer behavior problems, have greater social skills, and have higher academic achievements than kids who stay at home. This is assuming of course, that the daycare is high-quality and the parents are actively involved with their child. We have a fantastic lady lined up to watch her. She speaks Spanish: Maelin will become bi-lingual which will be very beneficial for her as she grows up. This lady (Sondra is her name) has come highly recommended: my girlfriend has taken her two kids to her for over 5 years and she and her kids adore Sondra. The kids love her, which is a great sign of high-quality care.
That being said, I wish I could stay home with Maelin for her first year. I absolutely dread the day that I have to leave her with someone else. It’s going to be the hardest thing I ever have to do and the thought of it is always in the back of my head as we are napping together or she’s giving me a smile. Financially, I have to work and I’m sure we’ll both adjust as time goes by. However, as I look at my sweet baby as she sleeps, I think about how someone else will be looking at her as she sleeps. Someone else will be the one who gets to comfort her as she cries, applaud her as she tries to walk, and laugh with her as she discovers her world.
It breaks my heart to think about it so I try not to. I try to live in the moments that we have and enjoy the fact that I got to spend over 4 months with my sweet baby. Not a lot of people can do that so I know we’re really lucky. I also know that this is the best choice for our family for the long run. Not only do we need my salary, we need my health insurance, my retirement benefits and I need the stimulation of my career. It will also be good for Maelin to discover other cultures, other people and other children. She’ll be just fine: I’ll be a wreck.
So we’ll continue to take each day as it comes for now. We’ll nap together, we’ll meet friends for lunch and I’ll savor each moment as a stay-at-home-mom and wish that I didn’t have my hefty student loan to repay or the credit card debt we’ve accumulated. We’ll go to Michigan in July and play at the beach. We’ll visit with grandparents and go to bbq’s and go to the zoo. I’ll savor being home with my daughter and try to enjoy each moment because it’s in the back of my head how quickly this time is coming to an end.
5 comments:
That made me cry.....
I can only imagine how you're feeling, along with so many millions of mothers that have to go back to work. You mentioned needing your medical insurance... and isn't it sad that's how it is in our country! Wealthiest country on the planet... I want to go see SICKO by Michael Moore about our health system in America. It'll probably piss us all off.
Hey Mara! and Maelin of course!
nice page you guys got going. We are bringing Lucas to TC in july for a visit :) im sure we will see you guys there then and get the babies together! :)
I remember the dread I felt when I had to go back to work when Ryan was 4 months old (my boss wanted me to come back after 3 months, and I fought for that last month, and am glad I did), and that was just part-time, and he was staying with Joe.
I won't lie to you- it WAS hard, and it sucked! I hated leaving him, but then I started to see the bond him and Joe were building, and I gradually got back into the 'groove' with my job.
It will get easier everyday- we adjusted, and your family will too. This time has been special, and like you said, not everyone gets this much time off in the begining, and you should be proud of the job you have done.
Maybe since you won't be the "full-time" parent now, that will allow Kevin and Maelin to deepen their bond. It may be hard to see all the benefits now, but I am sure they will come to be. Also, when you have those bad days, you can go to work and get a break- that has to be good for your sanity- :-)
Most stay-at-home mom's I know only started staying home for 3 months, then 6 months, then a year, etc. The point is there is NEVER a perfect time to go back. I know it is hard, but since you have to do it, there will never be that ideal time. Focus on the positives you have, and know it will get easier and you will adjust in time. :-)
It is a personal decision and never an easy one! I am lucky to have a profession that I got to stay at home for the most part when he was little and am now finding he will be leaving us in only 8 years (for college, of course! ;) and I better get my wings again before he does. LOL! Being a mom is the toughest job ever, but the most rewarding. Sending her to daycare will be a great adventure for her and I am sure she will adjust great... it is you that will find it hardest. It is heartbreaking to leave them and I understand what you are going through. It is the quality of the time you spend with her not just the quantity. Enjoy your precious time with her!
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