Summertime Fun

Since school has started, I've been spending all my time now grading papers, creating lessons, attending meetings, talking to parents (or really, having parents yell at me, but that's another post for another day), testing students, playing games on the playground, and a thousand other little things that makes summertime seem awfully far away.

I stumbled upon these pictures when I was cleaning up my phone and I decided to post them as a quick reminder of why I do what I do: why I love my job for the few weeks of freedom that it grants me during the summer. It's such precious and amazing time to spend playing with Maelin...she's growing up so fast.

Hope you enjoy!

Wanted for her 9th birthday: Clean Water for Africa

I've tried to write this post 4 times now and I find I can't say anything the way Rachel did, so I'm not even going to try. I'll just give you the background and you can click on her link and read it for yourself.

Suffice it to say: I am humbled and grateful for stumbling upon this story today. As I drove to work worrying about my credit card bills, my poor car that's starting to fall apart, and the gas prices, the one thing I didn't have to worry about was whether Maelin has clean water to drink. Or that I've lost her.

Here is Rachel's story and then at the end of this, I've provided the link to her website. I hope it moves you the same way it did me.

Nine-year-old Rachel Beckwith didn't live long enough to reach her goal of raising $300 to bring clean water to African villagers. She died in a 13-car accident on Interstate 90 in Bellevue, Wash., last week, the Seattle Times reported. Since then, hundreds of thousands of dollars have flowed into the charity page she set up shortly before her accident, with more than 9,000 people contributing $368,000 to Rachel's cause.

The 9 year old told her family and friends she didn't want presents for her June 12 birthday, only donations to the non-profit Charity Water.

"I found out that millions of people don't live to see their 5th birthday," Rachel wrote. "And why? Because they didn't have access to clean, safe water so I'm celebrating my birthday like never before. I'm asking from everyone I know to donate to my campaign instead of gifts for my birthday. Every penny of the money raised will go directly to fund freshwater projects in developing nations."


Rachel had only raised $220 by the time her birthday came, so she closed the page. But after the tragic accident, Rachel's pastor at Eastlake Community Church, Ryan Meeks, brought the page back up and publicized it on the church's website. As news of Rachel's cause spread, more and more people found and donated to Rachel's page, many leaving personal comments about how touched they were by her selflessness.

"Thank you for your generous heart and for inspiring such generosity in others," wrote an anonymous donor who gave $45 to the charity. Another donor who left $9 wrote: "Say hello to my Jesse."

Rachel's mother Samantha Paul posted on Monday that she was in "awe" of the flood of support. "In the face of unexplainable pain you have provided undeniable hope," she wrote. "I know Rachel is smiling!"

Read Rachel's Webpage for yourself. Rachel can explain much better than I ever could.

Certain I Can Fly

My mom has been gone for over a year now. In that time, I've had the opportunity to spend some time alone in Italy contemplating where I want to be a year from now. My daughter has grown 3 inches and has learned how to count to 100. I've moved twice. I've taken a music test in the hopes of becoming the music teacher for my school. I've lost a few friends, but gained perspective. I was in a car accident. I've cried tears over found treasures of hers. My family scattered her ashes at Disneyland amidst the smoke of the fireworks. A dear family friend found the love of her life. Another family friend lost hers. I've said things, done things, and reacted to things in ways I'm not really proud of. Maelin learned how to put her head under the water and how to sing "Stay Awake." Through all of this...I think I may have found part of my voice.

Wandering the streets of Rome all by myself with no map to guide me was the best thing I could have done. Imagine the scene: I get off at a Metro stop and I have no clue where I am: just a sense of where I want to end up. So I start walking. I stay on the left hand side of the narrow street, careful not to twist my ankle on the cobblestones, as this side is in the shade and it's blistering hot today. I stop in a shop and ask in my haltering Italian for a bottle of water. I pay the $3 and drink it in grateful gulps. As I continue to blindly find my way through the confusing, noisy, overwhelming city, I stop and peer into the small shops I'm wandering past. One shop seems to call to me to step in, and it's not because of the air conditioning that feels so welcome on this hot day. It's because of the lady who is inside.

She looks just like my mom. Oh, she has the trademark Italian nose which my mom didn't have, but her stature and posture is just the same. She has the same crooked smile. She has the curly brown hair that my mom spent hours trying to straighten (just as I do). She even has her green, sparkly eyes. I stand in the corner and try to gather my breath. I know that this woman is a random Italian lady, but for her to show up at this time, on this day...makes me pause.

"Ciao", she says to me. I stumble back and say hello. I look around the shop. It's a doll shop. For anyone who knew my mom, you know she had an amazing collection of matryoshka dolls. This shop has tons of those, obviously imported, but to me it's a sign that I'm in the right place. Doing the right thing. Finding my voice, finding my lost heart, finding my confidence, finding my happiness again. Figuring out that I have so much at home to be grateful for and to be happy about. I ask "Quanto Costa" in my awful Italian, while pointing at a set of dolls. She answers me with a smile and says something way too fast for me to comprehend. Oh well. I browse through the shop and choose a handmade wooden puppet for Maelin. She'll tangle the darn thing all up, but no matter. This doll is coming home with me as a symbol of everything that hasn't changed in the last year...

These things are still here and even better than they were the last time I was able to talk to my mom. These are the things I longed for when I was in Rome and the things that made me want to get behind the plane to scoot it along so I get home faster.

My amazing, beautiful, brilliant little girl. She's growing up way too fast for my liking, but she still hugs me and sits on my lap and tells me I'm the best Mommy in the world. She has the ability to throw herself into my arms and erase every single trouble or worry I may have away. Every single day with her is a gift and even though there are times when I'm exhausted, or too busy, or sick, or stressed out, or sad, or distracted...she's an absolute joy and I am so lucky to be her mom. I can't wait to teach her how to play the piano, to take her to Italy with me, to help her with her homework, and to teach her about loss and the dignified way to handle it.

My friends and family are still here. These past months have taught me who "has my back" and who will be here for me no matter what. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who would "bury a body" for me if I asked them to. Some of these people I've known for years, and some I've just been lucky enough to meet or become reacquainted with recently. Some are people I only get to talk to a few times a year, but that doesn't matter either because since I found my voice again, I've found a new appreciation for the ability to call them my friends.

I have an amazing job with amazing people. Just today, I had to step in and help restrain a student I had 2 years ago. He's gotten much stronger and it was a bit scary. However...I have 16 kids in summer school that need me. I am teaching them how to read. How to write. How to think and comprehend. How to analyze. Even though summer school is taking away some time from Maelin, I'm so grateful that I get to spend my mornings actually feeling like I'm possibly making a difference for even one child.

After I leave the doll shop with Maelin's puppet safely wrapped up, I stop in the middle of the piazza to get my bearings. Which way back to the Metro station? I see tour groups, cars and vespas zooming by, street vendors begging the tourists to buy a fake Prada purse. (of COURSE I got one!) I see the shadow of St. Peter's Basilica in the distance. The smell of freshly baked pizza is waifing down the street and the gelato shop across the way just finished making their waffle cones for the evening. The flower vendor is cutting the fresh bouquets, and the locals are all hurrying to their local bar for their evening "apertif": the quick glass of wine and snack you have after work with your friends. I experience a fresh wave of homesickness because in finding my voice here in Rome, I found what really matters.

My daughter. My friends and family. My life here in Denver. I wouldn't trade one bit of it. Yes, our future is uncertain right now, but I know that I'm following my heart and I'm not being held back because of fear. I know I'm making the right choices for Maelin and I to live with authenticity. When she's experiencing her first heartbreak, or her first love...I'll be able to tell her that life is short and not to be chained in by other people's expectations. Or other people's judgements. To live with bravery and to make the scary choices because you have faith that it will all turn out all right in the end.

Or to quote someone who is wiser than myself; "To jump off the cliff before you're certain you can fly."

Time to Study

I can play any instrument. I'm not saying that to brag or boast, it's just the way I've always been. I took about 2 years worth of official piano lessons when I was a kid and I was in orchestra, jazz, concert, and marching band, and played for years in the Boulder Youth Symphony as a teenager. I was a very informal piano teacher for about 4 years, and I can harmonize pretty well. My singing voice isn't fantastic (as my karaoke proves), but I can carry a tune. I've taught myself pretty much every instrument (including the snare drum!)...minus the guitar. I was able to teach Italian kiddos in Milan and Bologna, Italy how to sing in English, and how to perform and dance. I even have a music note tattoo on my ankle. It's always been my passion and my love and most people who know me, have seen an example of two of how music has affected my daily life.

There's a reason I've never mastered the guitar. My brain just does not understand chords, tonalities, and intervals. There's a reason I failed my college math class and had to change my major. I'm just not wired that way. But...I've got three weeks to prove myself wrong.

Our music teacher is very unofficially gone. I was able to conduct the elementary music program in May for our school and I got rave reviews, even though I only had 2 days to work with the kiddos. I was so frustrated at my lack of control: if it had been up to me, the kids would have done a musical study (Oklahoma!, My Fair Lady, The Music Man, Sound of Music, etc.), and done a collage of songs and dances from those. We just didn't have time. I would have taught a few of them to play simple piano selections. I would have composed recorder music for others. I would have thrown in some sign language. Can't do much of that in two days though...but those are my dreams. Especially for our population of kiddos: music and art and dance is so important for them and it's been breaking all of our hearts that the kindergarten kids cry before music class because they don't want to go. That's not the way it should be.

So I have been officially asked to apply for the music teacher position in our school. I'd be teaching 6 classes a day: one each for K-5th grades. I'd love it. I'd really miss my 2nd grade team, but imagine what I could do! We'd have talent shows. I'd teach everyone simple piano songs. We'd compose our own music on the xylophones. We'd learn square dances. We'd watch ballet and compose the music for them. We'd learn about instrument families, composers, dances, theater, and we'd have twice-yearly shows. I'd even try to teach strings/woodwinds after school for the 5th graders (brass instruments are not my speciality). Most of all: I'd make it fun. They'd learn so much and for some of them, it'd be the highlight of their day. Even special needs kids can learn rhythm or appreciation for classical/jazz/big band music.

There's just one problem: in order for me to accept the position which has been enthusiastically offered to me, I need to pass the Colorado State Place Music K-12 Licensure Test. Did you catch the problem with that? I'd be teaching K-5: this test covers everything through 12th grade. That's all music theory and history. That is such an incredible amount of information that, A) I either never learned or just absorbed through my own self, or B) I need to learn because I never heard of it in my life, or C) I never understood it to begin with.

To give you an idea of some of the stuff I need to know, click this link. It's incredibly overwhelming and is almost enough to make me even not want to try. Add to that: I only have one chance to take and pass this test before the beginning of the school year. June 25. I get back from Italy on June 24. Anyone else see the problem with that? I'm already starting to hyperventilate.

I've bought two music theory/history books and I've started plugging through them. I can honestly say that all of it sounds familiar, but I probably only really know about 30% of it. The rest I'm guessing at. And not even very well. I've been taking the practice tests and they are just serving to tell me everything that I don't know. If I were to take the test now, I think I'd get about a 40% on it. That is not passing.

But I'm going to try. My mom would want me to at least try for it. All my friends and co-workers especially think I'd be awesome at it and they really want me to at least try. So I'm taking my music theory (which is boring as hell, btw) books with me to Italy. I'll read them on the piazza's with a cappuccino. I'll read them in the evenings when Maelin is asleep. Before I start summer school, I'll spend the Tues/Thurs that she's in school at the library studying as hard as I can. Then I'll come home and take the insane test where they play me 20 seconds of a classical piece and I have to explain who the composer was, if it was pre or post baroque style, what key it's in and why, and many other things. I'll have to analyze different selections and explain them. I'll have to compose different pieces according to a prompt with proper key, functions, time signature, and placements. And I have 3 weeks to learn all this.

I'll keep you posted. I'm not super hopeful, but everyone around me says I'd be awesome at it and try my best. That's all I can do.

EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Music Program...On Video!

Click here for a link to the video for the 1st part of the music program, and here for the link to the 2nd part. I think in total, they're about 16 minutes. :-) The only song that I was able to teach the kids from scratch is the last one on video 2. We also added a lot of dancing and stuff to the rest of the songs that they knew already.

Thanks for watching!!

I am now a music teacher!

The two grade levels getting ready for tonight's show...there's sure a lot of them...

Whoa. Crazy, crazy week. I got a phone call at 6:30pm on Monday night from my principal. She basically said the music teacher is gone for now and the less I know about why, the better. The music program for the 1st and 2nd graders is still scheduled for Wednesday night. Could I please take over?

Um. Sure. I guess. Holy crap.

So I get into work on Tuesday to assess the situation. My God. We couldn't find any music, the kids said they knew some songs, but not enough and they're really lame songs, and there's no scenery, programs, order, or anything. The kids didn't even know where to stand.

I've spent every waking minute for the last two days downloading music, printing/creating programs, organizing over 250 6-8 year olds, coordinating with parents, the principal, the other teachers, the custodians, and oh yeah: teaching them one new song and dance for the performance. I would have LOVED to recreate the whole bloody thing from scratch, but there was just not enough time. So I added some dance, some props, some movement, and some more music.

Tonight will be my first time directing any sort of musical program since I was in Milan, Italy in 2002. That was easy because the kiddos were singing English and no one understood them anyway. :-) And we had 2 weeks to work on it. And it was all mine: created from scratch.

That's the hardest part: to stand up in front of all these kids, parents, and my fellow teachers to perform this when I KNOW the kids could have done better. We could have nailed a super amazing program if I had just had more time. But...something is better than nothing.

And it's been super fun. I'm incredibly worn-out and exhausted, but it's been a hoot. We'll see how it goes...

I kinda like being a music teacher.

A Different Meaning to Mother's Day

"Linnie" with Maelin in October, 2007. Maelin is 6 months old here and my mom is thrilled to be spending some time with us.

Mother's Day is quickly approaching and this year it's hitting me that it's going to be about ME. Maelin and I. Not my mom. In the past, I've always, always, made sure I had gotten my siblings together to order her flowers, take her to dinner, buy a gift, and make sure we did something special for her. I happened to stumble upon a gift we had given her about 10 years ago in her desk: a "Mother's Ring"; it has all four of our birthstones in it. I remember how excited I was to give it to her for Mother's Day as this was one of the holidays we didn't celebrate growing up. It felt so nice to be able to take a day and really make sure she knew how much we loved her, we were proud of her, and we were so grateful to have her in our lives.

Mother's Day doesn't mean that to me anymore now that she's gone. I've been spending the last few days trying to decide what kind of traditions I want to create for Maelin and myself now that it's just us. Some friends have given me great suggestions: from taking her to paint pottery, to planting flowers, to dinner with my sister, to a drive up to the mountains, to visiting my mom at the cemetery. I even tossed around the idea of spending Mother's Day with my Aunt Laura and her girls like we did for Easter. It'd be kind-of like creating my own substitute for a Mom.

But I don't need a Mom-Sub. I have a mom. She's gone now, but I see her in Maelin's smile. I hear her when Maelin asks me for the thousandth time when are we going to Disneyland again? I hear her voice at the store telling me how to pick the perfect watermelon. I feel her when I see pictures or stories of her two cats who are being lovingly looked after in different homes.

I knew she was watching, smiling, and super proud of me when I booked my trip to Rome this summer. I felt her strength when I made the decision that the trip was going to make me a happier, calmer, and less grief-stricken person, therefore making me a better mom for Maelin. I felt her pride last weekend when I was playing the piano for a group of over 100 people: a piece I had only 45 minutes to learn. When I stood up at the end to the applause, I could hear her whispering to me how proud she was of my musical abilities and how glad it made her that she scrimped and saved in order to get me to piano lessons. She drove me to every one. Paid for every one by herself. Called her friends on the phone so I could play for them. Came to every concert. Bought flowers on those nights with little notes telling me how magical my music was and how happy it made her.

I feel her watching us every night when I read to Maelin. Maelin has inherited her love of books and is constantly asking me to "Read just one more, Mommy!" I hear her laughing at me when it's 10:30pm at night and Maelin is still up and awake: a happy little night-owl just like she was. I feel her pride when Maelin turns down an ice-cream in favor for something salty: the child has been known to lick salt right off of her hands. My mom always had salt packets in her purse for a "salt-emergency"...you never knew when you'd be stuck with a popcorn that needed it and you didn't have any.

Most of all: I feel her love for my brother, sisters, and I. Now that I'm a mom, it's so overwhelming to have this little person in my world and I can finally appreciate how my mom must have felt about us. How happy she was at our conferences when we got good grades (which we all did...at least, most of the time.) How worried she must have been when we were late. How she probably stayed up late crying when I slammed the door during an argument. How she wondered and agonized over how she was going to get food on the table for four kids. How fulfilled she must have been to be able to take us all to Disneyland as many times as she did. Her joy at our weddings, and her sorrow when we called her crying when we thought those marriages weren't going to make it after all. Her love for our friends and how she became their "Linnie" as well.

I feel all of that now. That's why Mother's Day has such a different meaning to me now. I'm trying to find a way to honor all of this for my mom while creating new memories and traditions for Maelin. I don't think we'll go to the cemetery this year. That's not what my mom would want. Maelin knows her Nana is "in the ground" and I don't think that's what my new Mother's Day should be about. I think we'll sleep in late. We'll have a fun breakfast. I'll let Maelin pour the pancakes or heat the waffles. We'll go to the flower shop and I'll let Maelin pick some flowers for me and her Nana. We'll take them home and I'll let her get as messy as she wants planting them for us. I'll tell her stories. Maybe we'll take a nap. I'll be sure she knows how much I love her. We'll meet my sister and her kiddos for dinner and Maelin will go to bed as secure in my love for her as I did every single night of my life.

Because that's my new meaning to Mother's Day. Not to be sad or grief-stricken. But to be grateful and happy for everything I had. And still have.

Love you Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

Things I Can't Control

A friend and I were recently talking about the difference between control, influence, and care.

Things I can control are limited to ONLY things I have power of change over: my beliefs, my attitudes, my reactions. Things I have influence over are things that I might possibly be able to change, but probably not. These would be things like how quickly Maelin learns to read or my annual job review. Things I care about are all the extrinsic forces that are beyond any of our control but they do affect our daily lives. Traffic, the economy, and gas prices fall into this category.

I was thinking about this conversation today when I had to have a conference with the secretary about two of my students. I won't name one of them, but I had to buy her a pair of shoes this past Christmas as she was clomping around in Grandpa's old ones. Social Services has been out a few times to talk to us about her home life. It seems she was removed from her house over the weekend and Dad (turns out he's a drunk), is forbidden from even seeing her or her siblings anymore. She's living in Arvada with Grandma and still wants to keep coming here for school. Another kiddo you might know about is my little Sierra; her mom died in September of kidney/liver failure leaving Sierra and her sister Casi (in 5th grade) all alone. They've been living with their Aunt. Over Spring Break, Dad shows up to take them on a visit and doesn't bring them back. He decided he wants them and we're not sure where they are or what's going to happen. Poof...they're gone.

I cried for both of these girls this morning. Not sobbing tears, but just sadness at the lack of control these kids must feel each day. Then I started to feel sorry for myself for my career choice: if you think about the homes some of these kids come from, how crazy am I to think I have any chance to make any sort of positive change for them? It's like climbing uphill in the snow with no shoes and wondering why you get frostbite. Started to feel ridiculous. Stupid, even.

But then I remembered my recent realization about control vs. influence vs. care. I care about these kids. They affect my daily life. But I have no control over what happens outside of my classroom. I can make sure they're loved and warm when they're here and I can buy them shoes or clothes, but I have no control over whether Dad sells those clothes at the flea market so he can buy another bottle of Vodka (true story, as it turns out...). I can make sure I'm the most positive role model possible, but I have very little influence on whether or not they'll end up in college. That's up to them and where their life takes them. However...I can control my thoughts and reactions.

So that's what I'm going to be focusing on for a while. I care about so much that I actually have very little (or any) power over. There are so many things that aren't the way I'd like for them to be right now. Most of these things fall into the care category, so I'm going to put them aside. It doesn't mean my heart isn't breaking over them or I don't wish it were different a thousand times a day. It means I'm going to spend my "daily energy" focusing on what I can actually control: my reactions to my students. My energy for my job. My beliefs about the type of person I am and who I'm trying to raise Maelin to be. The types of people who are my true friends and the boundaries I need to create for those who aren't. The types of classes I can take this summer in order to be the type of teacher that I still believe I can be.

I can control these things. There's where my energy and my tears are going to be spent from now on. I'm leaving behind the rest of it. I'm going to end this quick post with this quote from Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love":

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

A PBR Wedding!!!

Congrats Pete and Megan!!! Can't wait! What a super fun time! A wedding at the PBR brewery! (could I possibly use any more exclamation points??? ) :-)

Finding My Voice...A Year Later

It's been over a year since I last posted on this blog.

In that time, Maelin has grown 4 inches. I've moved two times. We've gone to war in Libya. We had another anniversary of Sept. 11. Three of my best friends have had babies. One of which is just coming home today from almost a month in the NICU. Maelin has started preschool and graduated out of the Monkey Room and is now in the Crocodile Room. My class size has gone from 26 to 29. I traded my CrapBerry in for an iPhone and love it. My sister moved from Seattle to Sacramento and we've been out there to visit her.

I had my first Christmas by myself...no husband, no mother. One of my old students skipped 8th grade and is now kicking it over at the high school. One cousin went to Ireland and another one is graduating in a couple of weeks. Another friend adopted an adorable little girl. The first anniversary of my mother's death has come and gone, so has her birthday, the first Christmas without her, the first Thanksgiving. My family all went to Disneyland together to scatter her ashes by the castle...praying the whole time we wouldn't be caught and sent to "Disney Jail." Maelin rode her first roller coaster with her arms up in the air, squealing the whole time. I got in my first car crash. My sister beat thyroid cancer and has been declared "healed".

I'll be going back to Italy this summer: this time, all by myself. Not sure how long I'm staying or where I'll end up, but I'm hoping to find my heart again along the way. Lost about 30 pounds from the magical "Stress Diet" that I'm on and I really wish I could bottle and patent it as I'd make millions. I've stood hugging my uncle while fireworks exploded over our heads just wishing my mom could see us for even one minute. I've realized she's not coming back. I haven't gone through her things yet. I'm hoping as long as they stay boxed up, there's a potential for another little treasure to be discovered.

I've really found my groove at work and am really loving my job again...despite huge class sizes and all the outside forces working against us. Maelin and I have played in a mountain stream until our feet were numb, but laughing the entire time. I've learned that love comes in many different packages and I'm grateful for all the different ways it presents itself...even if it doesn't seem to be what I want or need at the time. I've learned the hard way to trust my instincts and not my heart. I've rediscovered old friends and moved on from others. I've learned the true meaning of heartbreak and loss. Of saying good-bye and being thankful for the lessons learned. Of friendship. And of loyalty. And hopefully...I've found my voice.

Stay tuned. I'm here now. I was lost for a while, but I think I've found my way back. To what matters most. My friends, family, and the reasons why I get up every day...

Keep checking. A whole new year has started...

"More Kids Than The Middle Schools..."

Had a pretty rough day today at work. My high-needs kiddo brought a razor blade to school. It's especially nerve-wracking because he just got done kicking Janae and throwing a book at me when I tried to intervene. Makes me wonder what he was planning to do with it...

So when I was trying to get it from him, I got a kick and a hit for my troubles. I finally got some help from the school psychologist but they didn't even send him home. Just a quick time-out in the office...and he was right back in my classroom.

I'm not so concerned for myself but what about the rest of my kiddos? I think to when I'll have Maelin in school: if there was a kiddo in her class that was consistently hurting other kids and was violent, what would I do? If the school refused to take any action towards him (ie: get him full-time para support, remove him from the classroom, etc.), I would be furious. I would be camped out in the superintendent's office demanding something be done...or there'd be legal action. Just like he has a right to a "free and appropriate public education", Maelin has a right to be safe in school.

I was just talking to one of the other teachers about this and she was apologizing for my awful year...too many kids, not enough materials, no support for the troubled kids, etc. She made a comment that our building currently has over 622 kids: that's more than both middle schools in our district. She thought our building was designed for no more than 450. Because they are cutting services and support every day, what is a classroom teacher left with?

Not much...except a child in my room who just threw his book across the room at another kid and tripped one and is now coming after me. With no one to call for help.

I ask you to think about that the next time you're tempted to criticize public school teachers.

Wow

My cousin Allie took this picture on Easter while I was playing with Maelin...I LOVE it. :-)