The Music Program...On Video!

Click here for a link to the video for the 1st part of the music program, and here for the link to the 2nd part. I think in total, they're about 16 minutes. :-) The only song that I was able to teach the kids from scratch is the last one on video 2. We also added a lot of dancing and stuff to the rest of the songs that they knew already.

Thanks for watching!!

I am now a music teacher!

The two grade levels getting ready for tonight's show...there's sure a lot of them...

Whoa. Crazy, crazy week. I got a phone call at 6:30pm on Monday night from my principal. She basically said the music teacher is gone for now and the less I know about why, the better. The music program for the 1st and 2nd graders is still scheduled for Wednesday night. Could I please take over?

Um. Sure. I guess. Holy crap.

So I get into work on Tuesday to assess the situation. My God. We couldn't find any music, the kids said they knew some songs, but not enough and they're really lame songs, and there's no scenery, programs, order, or anything. The kids didn't even know where to stand.

I've spent every waking minute for the last two days downloading music, printing/creating programs, organizing over 250 6-8 year olds, coordinating with parents, the principal, the other teachers, the custodians, and oh yeah: teaching them one new song and dance for the performance. I would have LOVED to recreate the whole bloody thing from scratch, but there was just not enough time. So I added some dance, some props, some movement, and some more music.

Tonight will be my first time directing any sort of musical program since I was in Milan, Italy in 2002. That was easy because the kiddos were singing English and no one understood them anyway. :-) And we had 2 weeks to work on it. And it was all mine: created from scratch.

That's the hardest part: to stand up in front of all these kids, parents, and my fellow teachers to perform this when I KNOW the kids could have done better. We could have nailed a super amazing program if I had just had more time. But...something is better than nothing.

And it's been super fun. I'm incredibly worn-out and exhausted, but it's been a hoot. We'll see how it goes...

I kinda like being a music teacher.

A Different Meaning to Mother's Day

"Linnie" with Maelin in October, 2007. Maelin is 6 months old here and my mom is thrilled to be spending some time with us.

Mother's Day is quickly approaching and this year it's hitting me that it's going to be about ME. Maelin and I. Not my mom. In the past, I've always, always, made sure I had gotten my siblings together to order her flowers, take her to dinner, buy a gift, and make sure we did something special for her. I happened to stumble upon a gift we had given her about 10 years ago in her desk: a "Mother's Ring"; it has all four of our birthstones in it. I remember how excited I was to give it to her for Mother's Day as this was one of the holidays we didn't celebrate growing up. It felt so nice to be able to take a day and really make sure she knew how much we loved her, we were proud of her, and we were so grateful to have her in our lives.

Mother's Day doesn't mean that to me anymore now that she's gone. I've been spending the last few days trying to decide what kind of traditions I want to create for Maelin and myself now that it's just us. Some friends have given me great suggestions: from taking her to paint pottery, to planting flowers, to dinner with my sister, to a drive up to the mountains, to visiting my mom at the cemetery. I even tossed around the idea of spending Mother's Day with my Aunt Laura and her girls like we did for Easter. It'd be kind-of like creating my own substitute for a Mom.

But I don't need a Mom-Sub. I have a mom. She's gone now, but I see her in Maelin's smile. I hear her when Maelin asks me for the thousandth time when are we going to Disneyland again? I hear her voice at the store telling me how to pick the perfect watermelon. I feel her when I see pictures or stories of her two cats who are being lovingly looked after in different homes.

I knew she was watching, smiling, and super proud of me when I booked my trip to Rome this summer. I felt her strength when I made the decision that the trip was going to make me a happier, calmer, and less grief-stricken person, therefore making me a better mom for Maelin. I felt her pride last weekend when I was playing the piano for a group of over 100 people: a piece I had only 45 minutes to learn. When I stood up at the end to the applause, I could hear her whispering to me how proud she was of my musical abilities and how glad it made her that she scrimped and saved in order to get me to piano lessons. She drove me to every one. Paid for every one by herself. Called her friends on the phone so I could play for them. Came to every concert. Bought flowers on those nights with little notes telling me how magical my music was and how happy it made her.

I feel her watching us every night when I read to Maelin. Maelin has inherited her love of books and is constantly asking me to "Read just one more, Mommy!" I hear her laughing at me when it's 10:30pm at night and Maelin is still up and awake: a happy little night-owl just like she was. I feel her pride when Maelin turns down an ice-cream in favor for something salty: the child has been known to lick salt right off of her hands. My mom always had salt packets in her purse for a "salt-emergency"...you never knew when you'd be stuck with a popcorn that needed it and you didn't have any.

Most of all: I feel her love for my brother, sisters, and I. Now that I'm a mom, it's so overwhelming to have this little person in my world and I can finally appreciate how my mom must have felt about us. How happy she was at our conferences when we got good grades (which we all did...at least, most of the time.) How worried she must have been when we were late. How she probably stayed up late crying when I slammed the door during an argument. How she wondered and agonized over how she was going to get food on the table for four kids. How fulfilled she must have been to be able to take us all to Disneyland as many times as she did. Her joy at our weddings, and her sorrow when we called her crying when we thought those marriages weren't going to make it after all. Her love for our friends and how she became their "Linnie" as well.

I feel all of that now. That's why Mother's Day has such a different meaning to me now. I'm trying to find a way to honor all of this for my mom while creating new memories and traditions for Maelin. I don't think we'll go to the cemetery this year. That's not what my mom would want. Maelin knows her Nana is "in the ground" and I don't think that's what my new Mother's Day should be about. I think we'll sleep in late. We'll have a fun breakfast. I'll let Maelin pour the pancakes or heat the waffles. We'll go to the flower shop and I'll let Maelin pick some flowers for me and her Nana. We'll take them home and I'll let her get as messy as she wants planting them for us. I'll tell her stories. Maybe we'll take a nap. I'll be sure she knows how much I love her. We'll meet my sister and her kiddos for dinner and Maelin will go to bed as secure in my love for her as I did every single night of my life.

Because that's my new meaning to Mother's Day. Not to be sad or grief-stricken. But to be grateful and happy for everything I had. And still have.

Love you Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

Things I Can't Control

A friend and I were recently talking about the difference between control, influence, and care.

Things I can control are limited to ONLY things I have power of change over: my beliefs, my attitudes, my reactions. Things I have influence over are things that I might possibly be able to change, but probably not. These would be things like how quickly Maelin learns to read or my annual job review. Things I care about are all the extrinsic forces that are beyond any of our control but they do affect our daily lives. Traffic, the economy, and gas prices fall into this category.

I was thinking about this conversation today when I had to have a conference with the secretary about two of my students. I won't name one of them, but I had to buy her a pair of shoes this past Christmas as she was clomping around in Grandpa's old ones. Social Services has been out a few times to talk to us about her home life. It seems she was removed from her house over the weekend and Dad (turns out he's a drunk), is forbidden from even seeing her or her siblings anymore. She's living in Arvada with Grandma and still wants to keep coming here for school. Another kiddo you might know about is my little Sierra; her mom died in September of kidney/liver failure leaving Sierra and her sister Casi (in 5th grade) all alone. They've been living with their Aunt. Over Spring Break, Dad shows up to take them on a visit and doesn't bring them back. He decided he wants them and we're not sure where they are or what's going to happen. Poof...they're gone.

I cried for both of these girls this morning. Not sobbing tears, but just sadness at the lack of control these kids must feel each day. Then I started to feel sorry for myself for my career choice: if you think about the homes some of these kids come from, how crazy am I to think I have any chance to make any sort of positive change for them? It's like climbing uphill in the snow with no shoes and wondering why you get frostbite. Started to feel ridiculous. Stupid, even.

But then I remembered my recent realization about control vs. influence vs. care. I care about these kids. They affect my daily life. But I have no control over what happens outside of my classroom. I can make sure they're loved and warm when they're here and I can buy them shoes or clothes, but I have no control over whether Dad sells those clothes at the flea market so he can buy another bottle of Vodka (true story, as it turns out...). I can make sure I'm the most positive role model possible, but I have very little influence on whether or not they'll end up in college. That's up to them and where their life takes them. However...I can control my thoughts and reactions.

So that's what I'm going to be focusing on for a while. I care about so much that I actually have very little (or any) power over. There are so many things that aren't the way I'd like for them to be right now. Most of these things fall into the care category, so I'm going to put them aside. It doesn't mean my heart isn't breaking over them or I don't wish it were different a thousand times a day. It means I'm going to spend my "daily energy" focusing on what I can actually control: my reactions to my students. My energy for my job. My beliefs about the type of person I am and who I'm trying to raise Maelin to be. The types of people who are my true friends and the boundaries I need to create for those who aren't. The types of classes I can take this summer in order to be the type of teacher that I still believe I can be.

I can control these things. There's where my energy and my tears are going to be spent from now on. I'm leaving behind the rest of it. I'm going to end this quick post with this quote from Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love":

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

A PBR Wedding!!!

Congrats Pete and Megan!!! Can't wait! What a super fun time! A wedding at the PBR brewery! (could I possibly use any more exclamation points??? ) :-)

Finding My Voice...A Year Later

It's been over a year since I last posted on this blog.

In that time, Maelin has grown 4 inches. I've moved two times. We've gone to war in Libya. We had another anniversary of Sept. 11. Three of my best friends have had babies. One of which is just coming home today from almost a month in the NICU. Maelin has started preschool and graduated out of the Monkey Room and is now in the Crocodile Room. My class size has gone from 26 to 29. I traded my CrapBerry in for an iPhone and love it. My sister moved from Seattle to Sacramento and we've been out there to visit her.

I had my first Christmas by myself...no husband, no mother. One of my old students skipped 8th grade and is now kicking it over at the high school. One cousin went to Ireland and another one is graduating in a couple of weeks. Another friend adopted an adorable little girl. The first anniversary of my mother's death has come and gone, so has her birthday, the first Christmas without her, the first Thanksgiving. My family all went to Disneyland together to scatter her ashes by the castle...praying the whole time we wouldn't be caught and sent to "Disney Jail." Maelin rode her first roller coaster with her arms up in the air, squealing the whole time. I got in my first car crash. My sister beat thyroid cancer and has been declared "healed".

I'll be going back to Italy this summer: this time, all by myself. Not sure how long I'm staying or where I'll end up, but I'm hoping to find my heart again along the way. Lost about 30 pounds from the magical "Stress Diet" that I'm on and I really wish I could bottle and patent it as I'd make millions. I've stood hugging my uncle while fireworks exploded over our heads just wishing my mom could see us for even one minute. I've realized she's not coming back. I haven't gone through her things yet. I'm hoping as long as they stay boxed up, there's a potential for another little treasure to be discovered.

I've really found my groove at work and am really loving my job again...despite huge class sizes and all the outside forces working against us. Maelin and I have played in a mountain stream until our feet were numb, but laughing the entire time. I've learned that love comes in many different packages and I'm grateful for all the different ways it presents itself...even if it doesn't seem to be what I want or need at the time. I've learned the hard way to trust my instincts and not my heart. I've rediscovered old friends and moved on from others. I've learned the true meaning of heartbreak and loss. Of saying good-bye and being thankful for the lessons learned. Of friendship. And of loyalty. And hopefully...I've found my voice.

Stay tuned. I'm here now. I was lost for a while, but I think I've found my way back. To what matters most. My friends, family, and the reasons why I get up every day...

Keep checking. A whole new year has started...

"More Kids Than The Middle Schools..."

Had a pretty rough day today at work. My high-needs kiddo brought a razor blade to school. It's especially nerve-wracking because he just got done kicking Janae and throwing a book at me when I tried to intervene. Makes me wonder what he was planning to do with it...

So when I was trying to get it from him, I got a kick and a hit for my troubles. I finally got some help from the school psychologist but they didn't even send him home. Just a quick time-out in the office...and he was right back in my classroom.

I'm not so concerned for myself but what about the rest of my kiddos? I think to when I'll have Maelin in school: if there was a kiddo in her class that was consistently hurting other kids and was violent, what would I do? If the school refused to take any action towards him (ie: get him full-time para support, remove him from the classroom, etc.), I would be furious. I would be camped out in the superintendent's office demanding something be done...or there'd be legal action. Just like he has a right to a "free and appropriate public education", Maelin has a right to be safe in school.

I was just talking to one of the other teachers about this and she was apologizing for my awful year...too many kids, not enough materials, no support for the troubled kids, etc. She made a comment that our building currently has over 622 kids: that's more than both middle schools in our district. She thought our building was designed for no more than 450. Because they are cutting services and support every day, what is a classroom teacher left with?

Not much...except a child in my room who just threw his book across the room at another kid and tripped one and is now coming after me. With no one to call for help.

I ask you to think about that the next time you're tempted to criticize public school teachers.

Wow

My cousin Allie took this picture on Easter while I was playing with Maelin...I LOVE it. :-)

Lack of Interest

Tried to write this 5 different times and stopped because I just can't find my voice. So...instead of a written post letting you all know what's been going on with Maelin's new big-girl-bed, the new cat we inherited from my mom, and a thousand other things, you're going to get a few recent pictures of Maelin.

Much easier for me to do. So I hope you enjoy.

Maelin Takes a Bath

She moves pretty fast so it's hard to grab a picture of her that isn't blurry, but this one is pretty cute. She's busy enjoying her bath...

MIchelle Sings to my Mom

We played this at my mom's memorial yesterday.

?

I'm not sure what to write here. My mom has been gone for 7 days now and I'm still struggling to understand exactly how that happened. Why didn't the doctors know sooner how sick she was? Why her? Why us? So many questions...

For those of you who have sent messages, thank you so much. Every single text, email, message has been read and appreciated and most of them have brought a tear to my eyes. (or more than one). It seems to come and hit me in waves...some moments I'm fine, and others...well.

Today has been a hard day. I'm busy arranging the funeral and memorial services and still trying to take good care of my very busy 2 year old. I realized yesterday that her birthday is quickly approaching so I better get on the plans for that. Life does go on, it seems...

Funeral is Saturday. I hope that will bring my family and I some closure and we can start the process of moving on. I'm not sure what that would look like except that we breathe in and out each day and go to sleep and get up and do it again.

I hope to be back writing for this as soon as I can. In the meantime...I'm breathing.