Things I Can't Control

A friend and I were recently talking about the difference between control, influence, and care.

Things I can control are limited to ONLY things I have power of change over: my beliefs, my attitudes, my reactions. Things I have influence over are things that I might possibly be able to change, but probably not. These would be things like how quickly Maelin learns to read or my annual job review. Things I care about are all the extrinsic forces that are beyond any of our control but they do affect our daily lives. Traffic, the economy, and gas prices fall into this category.

I was thinking about this conversation today when I had to have a conference with the secretary about two of my students. I won't name one of them, but I had to buy her a pair of shoes this past Christmas as she was clomping around in Grandpa's old ones. Social Services has been out a few times to talk to us about her home life. It seems she was removed from her house over the weekend and Dad (turns out he's a drunk), is forbidden from even seeing her or her siblings anymore. She's living in Arvada with Grandma and still wants to keep coming here for school. Another kiddo you might know about is my little Sierra; her mom died in September of kidney/liver failure leaving Sierra and her sister Casi (in 5th grade) all alone. They've been living with their Aunt. Over Spring Break, Dad shows up to take them on a visit and doesn't bring them back. He decided he wants them and we're not sure where they are or what's going to happen. Poof...they're gone.

I cried for both of these girls this morning. Not sobbing tears, but just sadness at the lack of control these kids must feel each day. Then I started to feel sorry for myself for my career choice: if you think about the homes some of these kids come from, how crazy am I to think I have any chance to make any sort of positive change for them? It's like climbing uphill in the snow with no shoes and wondering why you get frostbite. Started to feel ridiculous. Stupid, even.

But then I remembered my recent realization about control vs. influence vs. care. I care about these kids. They affect my daily life. But I have no control over what happens outside of my classroom. I can make sure they're loved and warm when they're here and I can buy them shoes or clothes, but I have no control over whether Dad sells those clothes at the flea market so he can buy another bottle of Vodka (true story, as it turns out...). I can make sure I'm the most positive role model possible, but I have very little influence on whether or not they'll end up in college. That's up to them and where their life takes them. However...I can control my thoughts and reactions.

So that's what I'm going to be focusing on for a while. I care about so much that I actually have very little (or any) power over. There are so many things that aren't the way I'd like for them to be right now. Most of these things fall into the care category, so I'm going to put them aside. It doesn't mean my heart isn't breaking over them or I don't wish it were different a thousand times a day. It means I'm going to spend my "daily energy" focusing on what I can actually control: my reactions to my students. My energy for my job. My beliefs about the type of person I am and who I'm trying to raise Maelin to be. The types of people who are my true friends and the boundaries I need to create for those who aren't. The types of classes I can take this summer in order to be the type of teacher that I still believe I can be.

I can control these things. There's where my energy and my tears are going to be spent from now on. I'm leaving behind the rest of it. I'm going to end this quick post with this quote from Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love":

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

A PBR Wedding!!!

Congrats Pete and Megan!!! Can't wait! What a super fun time! A wedding at the PBR brewery! (could I possibly use any more exclamation points??? ) :-)

Finding My Voice...A Year Later

It's been over a year since I last posted on this blog.

In that time, Maelin has grown 4 inches. I've moved two times. We've gone to war in Libya. We had another anniversary of Sept. 11. Three of my best friends have had babies. One of which is just coming home today from almost a month in the NICU. Maelin has started preschool and graduated out of the Monkey Room and is now in the Crocodile Room. My class size has gone from 26 to 29. I traded my CrapBerry in for an iPhone and love it. My sister moved from Seattle to Sacramento and we've been out there to visit her.

I had my first Christmas by myself...no husband, no mother. One of my old students skipped 8th grade and is now kicking it over at the high school. One cousin went to Ireland and another one is graduating in a couple of weeks. Another friend adopted an adorable little girl. The first anniversary of my mother's death has come and gone, so has her birthday, the first Christmas without her, the first Thanksgiving. My family all went to Disneyland together to scatter her ashes by the castle...praying the whole time we wouldn't be caught and sent to "Disney Jail." Maelin rode her first roller coaster with her arms up in the air, squealing the whole time. I got in my first car crash. My sister beat thyroid cancer and has been declared "healed".

I'll be going back to Italy this summer: this time, all by myself. Not sure how long I'm staying or where I'll end up, but I'm hoping to find my heart again along the way. Lost about 30 pounds from the magical "Stress Diet" that I'm on and I really wish I could bottle and patent it as I'd make millions. I've stood hugging my uncle while fireworks exploded over our heads just wishing my mom could see us for even one minute. I've realized she's not coming back. I haven't gone through her things yet. I'm hoping as long as they stay boxed up, there's a potential for another little treasure to be discovered.

I've really found my groove at work and am really loving my job again...despite huge class sizes and all the outside forces working against us. Maelin and I have played in a mountain stream until our feet were numb, but laughing the entire time. I've learned that love comes in many different packages and I'm grateful for all the different ways it presents itself...even if it doesn't seem to be what I want or need at the time. I've learned the hard way to trust my instincts and not my heart. I've rediscovered old friends and moved on from others. I've learned the true meaning of heartbreak and loss. Of saying good-bye and being thankful for the lessons learned. Of friendship. And of loyalty. And hopefully...I've found my voice.

Stay tuned. I'm here now. I was lost for a while, but I think I've found my way back. To what matters most. My friends, family, and the reasons why I get up every day...

Keep checking. A whole new year has started...